September 30, 2010

Let’s Talk About Sex.

We talk about our emotions with our therapists, our anatomy with our gyno. So who do we actually talk to when it comes to sex?

This article is shared via Ella Lauser from her site Go Ask Ella–a site full of informative healthy communication on sexuality and all that it encompasses.

Photo courtesy Bob Bobster

A lot of the girls I grew up with during junior high came over to my house to ask questions about “being normal.” My mom was a nurse and we openly talked about all kinds of things with my friends… concerns about puberty, family problems, periods, hygiene. It was really amazing now that I think of it.

Cut to years later, throughout the 4061 square miles of Los Angeles, where I taught sexual health education to loads of 9th grade classrooms. The questions were still the same and 99% of them were fear based. It was so overwhelming to know I was a rare person in their midst—a trustworthy, non-judgmental, informed and ask-able adult that they could really talk to. Who did/do you get your information and support from? Therapists don’t get asked these kinds of questions and clinics get more of the aftermath appointments (not to mention they’re crowded and understaffed).  Some of the knowledge and ideas out there are so crazy, it worries me—Mountain Dew as a birth control douche!!?!?!?

Please don’t Do the Dew! (not kidding, this was a common rumor I had to dispel in classrooms). Another funny but not-so-funny question I often got was—”If I smoke a lot of pot, can I still get my girlfriend pregnant?” There’s over 20 to 150 million sperm per milliliter of semen, and decreasing it even by half from bong loads, still leaves a high probability—it only takes one little squiggly! God, I wish I knew about this site then, instead of just teen.org; check out scarleteen’s.

When I first started liking boys, which was around age three, I was the biggest flirt at Happy Hearts Pre-School and got in trouble quite a bit because I was very curious about everything and asked a lot of questions. That only increased as hormones got involved and then when I had my first boyfriend at 16, I actually didn’t want to go to my mom because it was just a bit too close to home (I loved and trusted my mom implicitly but I just felt weird asking her about guys and their parts). Enter my Grandie…

Grandie came to visit me right when I was just starting to date my boyfriend and kissing was the only thing on the menu thus far. As we sat in the back of my mom’s car, without any solicitation, my Gran said (in her proper British accent), “You know now that you have a boyfriend you should know how to properly bob on the knob and keep him happy.” I still chuckle remembering my mother’s eyes popping out of her head as she looked at me in the rear view mirror as if silently yelling at me to not indulge my Grandie.

In all seriousness though it was in her “no big deal” approach that this huge weight lifted off of me and my fear of not knowing what to do was alleviated. I’m so grateful to her and so are many of my girlfriends, their boyfriends, and coaching clients who I’ve passed her insight down to.

She proceeded to tell me how to breathe, relax and apply pressure.  For those of you who haven’t seen Dangerous Beauty, a movie that came out in the late ’90s about a Venetian Courtesan—see it! Jacqueline Bisset, does an awesome mentoring visual for her daughter turned courtesan.


More than anything though, my gran’s nonchalant, “this is how to do it” came at a time that I was really insecure about pleasing my guy. I learned as I got older that it’s not about one person pleasing another so much as it is creating a mutual give/take and appreciation of the entirety of what goes on. Go team communication and exploration!

For more of this article check out Ella’s blog, Go Ask Ella.

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