June 23, 2011

Is there anything uglier than yoga angst?

Bob said not to worry about the result.  (in the beginning there was bob!!)

I get that – I really do, but seriously? I’m just worried about whether I’ll remember how to form a sentence.

I’m worried:

that deep down in the bottom of my soul I feel nothing

that at the end of the day I’ve got nothing left to give.

that I can either be in control or creative not both simultaneously

that I don’t give a damn if I can ever do a backbend properly

that I’m really really tired of being broke

that after a tough day I really would rather just have a glass wine

that I have nothing original to say or think

And I’m tired:

of thinking so damn hard about everything

of feeling like I’m fighting some uphill battle

of being judged and of judging

Whew…I guess I just need to get something off my chest again. It seems every few months I have to write some angry STFU message…This one is brought to you by a dear friend that can’t seem to let go of some crap that led me to reading some other similar posts that led me to….well you’ll get it I’m sure.  This not intended to be anything other than personal therapy…I haven’t written a single sentence in about a month — or longer? And I just need to get it out and get on with my life.  I recently became part owner in a yoga studio and I don’t think the work load and business side of yoga has done me any creative favors…Or mental…or emotional…and don’t get me started on my home life…LOL OK it’s not that bad. Well not THAT bad.  Read if you have ever felt disillusioned by life, yoga, a friend or anything even a little bit.  Read if you aren’t perfect and it makes you feel better to know that neither is anyone else.

I love yoga. I love how I feel when I do asana, yoga nidra has literally saved my life and what precious little sanity I have left in my head, meditation may be the only thing that keeps me from smacking people some days. The yamas and niyamas feel like how I wish to live without being law (my rebel heart doesn’t take direction very well) Tantric philosophy is about as close to how my mind works without being too frightening.  All I want to do is enjoy it.  Enjoy it like I might enjoy eating curry, because it suites me. Not because I was born in India or because I have to.  Enjoy it on the days it suits me not forced to eat it everyday or feel guilty because I ate Kung Pao instead one day.  I’m tired of half the planet telling us we aren’t doing enough yoga or doing it right, while the other half treats me like some hippy freak. (ok in all fairness I’m sort of a hippy freak)

You know what —  I do yoga. I meditate. I also drink beer and play WII bowling.  I love chanting…LOVE IT!  I also love to watch Burn Notice and Psyche.  I love to be outside and eat organic food…yet occasionally I really just want watch movies and eat McDonald’s French fries.  (not necessarily at the same time)

Please can we put away our black and white thinking?  I may be more into yoga than you – doesn’t mean I’m in a cult or completely alien.  I may do less yoga than you – doesn’t mean I’m not a good yogi either.   I may be from the west, I may just be learning but that doesn’t mean I can’t love it and appreciate and respect it on my level.

If the other people in a yoga community aren’t practicing as you would like…either ignore it or pick a different place. I’m tired. I’m tired of hearing how yoga is bullshit or that our yoga isn’t really yoga or…..the point is to stop judging, right?

And if some people you are know are (in your opinion) fake yogis don’t degrade yoga…the yoga is fine… as per usual it’s humans that mess sh*t up. What I find most…humorous…interesting…disturbing?  About some posts about how this person or that studio is lame and isn’t really doing yoga is how unyogic, rude and degrading those posts are…think about it…where does your vitriol come from?  If you hate all the expensive yoga pant wearing fake yogis — really ask yourself who they are hurting? And why does it matter to you?  Sometimes me thinks you do protest too much…

I’d like to thank this type of thinking for one really great thing in my life…I no longer hate religion; ‘cause I realized I had to practice what I preach.  All this rhetoric taught me that religion, god, philosophy, ideas — these are not usually the problem…what we do with them is, and just because one nut job represents it badly doesn’t mean the whole thing is hog wash…

hahahhaha the thought that just crossed my mind “what a great place this would be without all these damn people”

OK much better. I am off to make flyers, and email teachers and hopefully have enough to pay them and god willing myself some day!  And may god and my yoga practice help me to stay sane, loving, giving and please please please – creative. J

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