February 26, 2013

Listening to My Heart When It Does Not Hear. ~ Edith Lazenby

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I listen with my ear to the wind.

I listen. I want to hear my heartbeat echo in space. I want to see what it feels.

I  want to speak from my heart.

I think I do, sometimes.

But my heart has a hole. My heart has a hole because when I was born the energy I needed to build its ear was not there.

The part of me that was need hid deeply. The part of me that learned to guide my steps, inform my feelings and speak had no voice anyone could hear.

But now I have a voice, yet that hole sits in the center of my heart and bleeds.

My heart bleeds fear like the sun bleeds light.

Most don’t know this. I am confident. I live with insecurity daily that most people build a life around to avoid.

I work hard. I have an intention to act with integrity and be kind.

But I feel like my heart does not hear me except when I cry. When I cry that hole that has a voice fills up and suddenly I am held in the arms of grief.

Other times I listen to my heart and know it’s growing an ear because I know my heart wants to hear me; it just has to open the path beyond fear.

I now envision an elephant ear, an ear that’s so big it can’t help but hear.

I know this elephant ear has roots in my heart and it’s learning to listen. It’s learning to listen, to me.

I know this because when I write, when I dig down to where the voice hides behind need, it’s beginning to have a face.

And this raw need that lives in fear is finding faith to pump blood to feed rather than bleed.

A writer might need many things. And every writer has a root.

My root is my heart that is just now beginning to listen—not only when there are tears, but when other feelings take form. I am learning I don’t have to hide. I don’t have to cry. I can write.

Fear begins to melt from the light rather than be the light. Fear becomes the full moon that sits high. I don’t always see it but I feel its pull like the sky light rules the tides.

Tonight I believe my heart is hearing a little better than yesterday. Tonight fear does not need to be rocked in sadness to know its real. Tonight I can end with my heart hearing me even when I fear.


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Ed: Brianna Bemel

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