February 21, 2013

When Friends Aren’t Friends Anymore. ~ Jenny G. Perry

Friendships are the weirdest relationships ever.

There are no ties to each other like through your partner, your kids, your parents, siblings, etc.—even coworkers you have to see on a regular basis.

Friends are people you choose.

They can feel even more intimate than with other relationships, because our best friends know all our secrets and still love us. They don’t need us to be anything for them but ourselves, they think we’re the bee’s knees. They believe in us, cheer us on, support us and truly love us; those are the good ones.

I have some good ones—one of which has been in my life over 20 years and another 17 years. I’m blessed to have them—I only wish they didn’t live an hour away.

I’ve had many friendships through the years, all kinds: I’ve had party friends, needy friends, spiritual friends, gossip friends, negative friends, snobby friends, distant friends, quiet friends, wild friends, co-dependent friends and many more.

I’ve been a good friend and I’ve been a shitty friend. Sometimes I gave more or sometimes I took more, and the relationship went out of balance.

I’ve also had friendships that were out of convenience and really were acquaintances, I just didn’t realize it at the time.

Friendships can be based on many things, some of which are positive, some negative. Sometimes circumstances change, you change jobs or move. Maybe your kids aren’t friends with each other anymore and your friendship fades away too.

My problem was I often held on for dear life to a connection that was no longer there.

I’d try to get together with someone and they would have excuses about why they couldn’t get together. One person doesn’t make a friendship and you certainly cannot guilt someone into being friends. It didn’t matter why they didn’t want the friendship anymore, it hurt.

Any rejection sucks, especially if you care about the person and cherish the times you had together.

Maybe you didn’t love everything about them, but you weren’t looking for a perfect person. You may know that people come into your life and fade out, but there’s always a broken friendship that feels like a difficult break-up.

I was talking about this topic to a dear friend of mine who I met last year—how awkward it can be when there was no event that precipitates these friendship break-ups. This can be to a lesser degree when an acquaintance avoids you and you wonder what the hell happened.

Did I say something to offend them? Did they hear some rumor about me? Why don’t they like me anymore?

I wonder which would be more uncomfortable: to know the reasons why or that empty space of wondering.( Not that I think many would have the balls to tell you what the deal is.) Maybe sometimes they don’t even know.

What I have learned on an energy level is that friends are a match.

When you change or they change, sometimes you don’t match anymore. Whether interests change, personalities change or something else, on some energy level things shift. It still stinks, but it’s easier to not take it personally to see this. I know there are many reasons why friendships break up: they are jealous of something, you make a choice they don’t like, you were being a pain in the ass.

Whatever it is, true friendship can withstand the ups and downs of life.

And sometimes these besties break-ups, big or small, teach us something about ourselves. It’s different for everyone, but you can ask yourself things like: Was I a good friend? Was I true to me? Was I a negative person to be around? Why is this bothering me so much? Do I feel like I did something wrong? Do I feel like I am not good enough in some way? It can bring up a whole lot of issues, old feelings and strong energy (anger, resentment, blame, sadness, doubt, guilt, shame, regret, jealousy, fear, etc.) that comes up to heal.

There is some gem that you will get out of any situation that challenges you.

Ultimately, you have to be your own best friend. There is no such thing as the perfect, ideal picture of a friend because people expect different things. Sometimes we may be the one that needs to distance themselves from a toxic individual—you really have to honor what is right for you, just like others have to do what’s right for them.

Once the initial pain of a friend breaking up with you is over, when you can see more clearly, then you can heal.

Forgive them on a higher level to free yourself and allow another beautiful friendship to fill that space. Picture a version of yourself that’s angelic—your higher self—and then picture theirs. On that level, in your mind, tell them, “I forgive you. I wish you all the best. I love you. Namaste.” This provides a form of closure.

You can’t expect a formal closure like a break-up with a lover; with a friend break-up you, don’t get your answers. If you still can’t get past the “stuck” hurt feelings, write them a letter that shares all of your feelings before doing the higher self exercise. Then burn it, releasing it to the Universe, to be done with it once and for all, your healing supported by the Universe.

Once you do these exercises, don’t keep talking about the person or the friendship that no longer is. Move on. Take the high road. It’s more healthy for you. Get past the right or wrong and focus on things that make you feel good and not bad.

Hopefully there won’t be a next time, but if there is, maybe you’ll notice an energy shift in your relationship where you feel that things are changing and you can talk about it. You can share your feelings and maybe even have a fuller, richer, deeper, more fulfilling friendship, past all the superficial stuff.

Don’t close your heart if you are hurt or feel betrayed, it’s so worth it to stay open to the possibility of an awesome new friend.

Wishing you lots of great friendships—they are the sprinkles on the ice cream cone of our lives.


Jenny G. Perry is the author of The Jennifers, a spunky married mother of four beautiful kids, who has a passion for life that she infuses in her work. She’s happily resides at the Jersey Shore. She loves to blog about her life’s journey in a fun and spiritual way. Calling herself a silly-sassy-spiritual-sexpot, she aims to uplift and inspire daily on her Facebook page at facebook.com/peacelovejoysparkles. Her website is: jennygperry.com.


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Assist Ed: Sara Crolick/Ed: Bryonie Wise


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