March 2, 2013

If I Love You So Much, Why Do I Treat You this Way?

Photo: Boricuaeddie

Have you ever had the experience of someone coming into your life, in which you share a deep and profound connection, which you both recognize?

Me too.

Some people refer to these as karmic relationships, others as soul mates and others don’t have a label for it, except calling it “crazy-making.”

Even when we walk away from the dysfunction, because there’s some obstacle to being 100 percent together in commitment, they still come up in our dreams…

Dreams, which feel as though we were actually together; ones in which we know there’s a message for us.

Perhaps, you can feel their thoughts, know their thoughts and even when you are 100 percent distracted or busy with something or someone else, the pull comes out of nowhere and grabs you.

Fun stuff, huh?

And when we allow yourself to fully feel the connection, it can be overwhelming…not mentally, but physically, emotionally and spiritually. We feel it right in our heart and our gut. It’s intense.

There’s often a lack of understanding as to why, in meeting someone who could be our best friend and lover that it becomes a very difficult relationship in other aspects.

Out of the two people in this relationship, it seems there is one who believes they do everything in their power to create a relationship and that the other just doesn’t cooperate for one reason or another.

It’s not true.

As I like to say, we’re all mirrors. We may reflect different aspects of insecurities within each other.

Why wouldn’t both partners fully commit to something that feels like a bed of roses (minus the thorns)?

There are several reasons:

  1. A deep feeling of unworthiness. Consciously it may be difficult to see, unless we watch your thoughts and actions; what do they tell us about ourselves?
  2. Believing there must be pain or a sense of drama in having what we want. Working hard to again show how we must earn it; instead of already knowing we deserve a happy and healthy relationship.
  3. Look at past relationships; see their beginning, middle and end. What is the pattern? When did you call it a day? Why? Was there a place in which you reached your wall and intellectually decided to move on? Yep, those pesky emotions, they don’t listen to the intellect. Leading me to…
  4. The edge. We all have an emotional limitation or edge when it comes to relationships. The place where we give up, because we can’t take it anymore. What happens if you go beyond the edge emotionally, what will that show you, about you? I dare you to take a step beyond that limitation or fear, just to see that you can handle it…
  5. Handling it. Emotionally the farther down we dig and bring insecurities up to light, the more resilient we become. When we can handle our emotions, the relationship will not be so consuming. Until then, we may be consumed and therefore unable to commit.
  6. Winning. For some there must be a winner or loser. If I do “A” then he/she does “B,” “C” happens and I’m weak and they are strong. It’s bullshit. Maneuvering and manipulating are ego. Love is beyond a winner or loser, it just is and when we get into our heart, it could give a crap if we look like an ass for love.

So, where does this leave us?

Allowing love to be what it is, when we stop battling our feelings and trying to compartmentalize deep feelings we have for someone, we can find peace. Even if the situation isn’t moving forward or changing.

We‘re changing. If we take the time to examine the mirror and see where we are contributing to the non-commitment of a great connection, love, soul mate, et al, we will find that the real deal is beneath our own b.s.

Instead of closing off, open up. Instead of beating yourself up, because you can’t shake it, hug yourself.

Learn; be open to the lessons about yourself.

Where is your fear?

Why are we drawn to something that we love so much, but can’t commit to? Or we swear we want to commit, but what are all the voices in our head telling us? We need to listen for the answers.

And finally return the love, just the love, not the expectations, the issues, the anger, etc… feel love, be loving and watch yourself blossom into a more whole, accepting, kinder you.

Like elephant love on facebook.

Ed: Lynn Hasselberger

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