April 15, 2013

Communication for a Lasting Relationship. ~ Kerry Elam

How can you make your relationship the best ever and stop making the mistakes you made in previous relationships?

The simple answer is building a base of communication both verbally and physically. This will in the long run foster peace and allow for a foundation filled with love, joy and bliss.

1.       Find Gratitude for Each Other Every Day

When you wake up in the morning, either mentally or verbally find something you are grateful about regarding your mate. Do the same thing when you go to sleep and throughout the day when something may be bothering you about the other. There are so many things you love and coming back to that place will help you forget the small things.

2.       Understanding via Compassion

There are many variables in every situation. By taking the time to understand what is going on and then having compassion for each other, so many misunderstandings will be stopped ahead of time. For example, you have had a really stressful day at work—deadlines you don’t know how you are going to meet, your boss yelled at you, which upset you, so you yelled at a co-worker. You come home to your love, yet you have no capacity to put on that happy face. The best approach is to tell the other that you had a bad day, how you are feeling has nothing to do with them. By giving these details up front, you are opening up room for understanding. All you really need right now is a big hug and a pass to feel how you are feeling.

3.       Let Go of the Past

There are going to be times when you do end up getting in an argument. When this happens try to only bring up current issues. Do not tap into the past. Let go of the past as it is done with. Focus only on what is upsetting you right now.

4.       Find Your Own Joy

Have activities you do alone such as playing a sport, going to a yoga class, attending a reading group or attending outside activities with friends. This time will provide contrast to the time you spend together.

5.       Open Heart Filled with Unconditional Love

Let’s be real—you are not perfect; nobody is. Forgive each other and love each other with unconditional love.

6.       Have Fun and Be Playful

Have fun together and be lighthearted. Play a game, go to the batting range, play ping pong, take a class together, go to a winery, play chess, take a walk, read the same book and discuss or tickle each other silly. Many times as adults we forget to not be so serious all the time. Remember to add play into your life routines.

7.       Talk About Sex

Talk about your desires to each other. Be open from the beginning on your preferences. And keep your sex life full of spice by trying new things, sending sexy text messages, leaving notes, giving loving glances, soft touches, a playful grab….we all want to feel that the other still wants us. It takes work to keep a relationship alive, yet if your sex life is good, chances are the other areas will flow. As Woody Allen said, “Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.”

8.       Give Each Other Space to Process Life

Be aware of each others’ space. Allow time for each of you to be alone a little every day. We all have different needs on how much alone time we need, yet it is important to aid in processing all that is going on in life. You may do this on your drive to work, on a run or walk, while you are meditating, in the shower. Whatever feels good, do it. Some people just need time to do what they need to do by themselves; others like to have people around all the time.

9.       Random Acts of Kindness

Practice the art of random acts of kindness with each other and outside in the world. Take out the trash without being asked, get the others car filled up with gas or washed, send a text or email of gratitude. Little acts can go so far in a relationship.

10.       Massage

Touch feels good. Take time to give each other massages, whether long or short. Incorporating massage is an easy way to stay connected and share some tender loving care. Use lotions and oils when you have time. Other times, give a head rub, hit some pressure points in the back, a light scratch of the entire back just takes a few seconds and can be invigorating or try a hand or foot massage. The options are limitless, so have fun exploring each other.

In closing, remember to go back to gratitude for your mate each and every day. There is always something to appreciate about each other. If you live in an appreciative mindset all the other little things will not seem as important.

Richard Bach wrote in his book The Bridge Across Forever:

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together the direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.


Kerry is the Director of Operations at Actualize Consulting where her Leadership Training program has successfully influenced a teamwork environment at some of the world’s largest companies. She teaches yoga regularly at Beloved Yoga and is the author of “Audrey’s Journey,” a children’s book series focused on compassion and joy. Check out her website at www.allisawesome.com or www.yogaandwork.com for more information. Or email [email protected]

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Ed: Brianna Bemel & Edith Lazenby
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