January 10, 2014

Stay, Go, I Don’t Know: The Pain & Pleasure of On-Again, Off-Again Relationships.

Nearly all of us of a certain age have some sort of experience with what I dub “merry-go-round relationships.”

Generally speaking, these are the sort of the relationships that run from hot to cold. There is seldom an in-between, and some of these go on for years.

Although it’s tempting to dismiss these relationships as “silly” or “a waste of time” the truth is, I have yet to meet anyone who hasn’t been in this sort of relationship be it with lovers, friends or even family members. While many of us are aware of the downsides of such relationships: the endless drama, the pain, and the uncertainty—there are also some upsides as well.

For one thing, the making up part tends to be great. The passion—while it lasts—can be almost like a drug.

Furthermore, an argument can be made that these relationships can be viewed as a reflection of life itself. After all, what sort of life doesn’t include a fair share of drama, pain, uncertainty and passion? In fact, it is what most of us strive for when we express a desire to live a full life.

However, we all have our limits. Having been in quite a few of these relationships myself, there often comes a point when even the most patient amongst us has had their fill. Often, this occurs with the people who simply cannot decide what they want or suffer from what I call the “Mr. Big Syndrome” aka those who keep disappearing and reappearing at often the most inconvenient of times. (As the long-suffering Carrie Bradshaw once put it, “You just can’t come back in my life and f*** it all up.”)

While there is the very real possibility that some of these relationships may end up as emotionally abusive or co-dependent relationships (in which case it really is in both parties best interest to part for good), for many there may be no clear cut answer whether to stay or exist the merry-go-round.

Ultimately, no one can answer for that for us except ourselves and our own unique circumstances.

Sometimes, these things end badly. Other times, they end happily and sometimes, it’s a combination of both.

In any case, sometimes the best thing we can do is surrender to the unknown. Surrendering to the unknown is not the same as giving up. It isn’t the same as staying stuck either. Rather, it’s accepting that the future is unknown and unwritten.

It may mean staying for now or leaving and accepting that the ultimate future of the relationship is still undetermined.

It may not be the perfect solution, but it may ultimately save your sanity as well as the sanity of the person you are involved with.

That alone is priceless and a gift that is guaranteed to last forever.

Relephant Reads:

The Ingredients for a Secure Relationship. 

Why Relationships Don’t Work.

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Editor: Bryonie Wise

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