I am breaking up with you.
This is hard for me to do as we have been together for so long. Three years in total I have dedicated my life to you—three full years. Actually, it has been longer. If I count our time together exactly it has been three years, three months and five days since our “first date.”
It all started off very exciting. You made me feel nervous and breathless—different than how you make me feel now. I remember getting ready for our first encounter; I was desperate to please.
I picked out my best outfit, my best shoes. I wore my “power” jacket. It was perfectly tailored and fitted. It was autumn, a crisp day, hence the jacket. My hair did not frizz due to the coolness of the air.
I felt awesome, giddy and exciting, ready for the unknown.
When I met you, you were inviting and kind. You made me feel like I was the only girl in the world and you wanted me as much as I wanted you. We talked and talked—about everything. Likes, dislikes, family and friends, we covered it all. I would have told you my deepest darkest secrets, if you had asked. It was one of those dates that went just perfectly. We exchanged numbers and I waited for that all important call.
Ecstatically, I accepted your offer for us to be permanently together.
Our relationship was like any other “new” relationship at first. We were unsure how to act around each other. Everything was new and interesting. I learned so much from you and in turn I think you received a gift of wonder and deep knowledge from me.
We worked well together and you were proud of me. I could tell; you would show me off to your friends.
My smile and my bubbly girlie demeanor secured my high ranking status in your social circle.
In return for my hard work, I was given permission to go off on extreme adventures—I managed to see the world because of you. You opened my eyes to what was out there. It was at that point things started to change.
It wasn’t you; it was me. I was this new woman. I had grown up from the young girl who was so desperate to impress. But it was too soon to break free; you gave me the comfort that I needed to survive. Comfort I thought I still needed.
Time passed and our relationship was there, but the passion had gone.
I asked for time away from you and you said no.
I asked for our relationship to take on a different role and you said no.
My lust for life was diminishing and I started to wither. My circulation became slow and my light was fading. I became sick.
Sick of the relationship that I had entered into.
Sick because you had clipped my wings.
Sick because you manipulated me and punished me with your smirking smile.
I demanded to take a break from the bully.
In order to keep me under your control, you granted my request for a break. You were smart. You knew that this “good deed” would keep me from leaving you completely—because now, “I owed you one.”
At that point, I wished that I could have gathered the courage to break from you permanently, but the fear of being alone was too much. So I kept you at arms length for our six month break.
During this enchanting time I was introduced to myself.
I fell back in love with the wonder and beauty of life. I discovered what was important and everything seemed clear. However, I had told you I would be back and a promise is a promise.
My heart said no, but my sensible head said yes. Therefore, I returned to you but this time I would not let myself be walked over. I would not stand for being disrespected. Things would be different this time.
We reunited. I was nervous to see you, so I again dressed for the occasion—but not like before. This time my hair was loose and messy, my clothes were calm and relaxed and there was no jacket.
You didn’t like this one bit.
I was different and this time I decided to use you. I used you to get back on my feet and to re-establish myself. Somehow in the light of my new self, I found the courage to let it all go.
It was over and I was now free.
Thank you for being my teacher.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Apprentice Editor: Kim Haas / Editor: Travis May
Photo: Chie via Flickr/Courtesy of author