September 27, 2014

10 Things That Don’t Rock About Dating a Musician. {Adult}

Janne Guitar

My friend’s mom once confessed her flower tattoo was actually the disguised signature of one of the lead singers in the Bee Gees.

Maybe you don’t have song lyrics tattooed on your rib cage, but most of us at some point or another have watched a musician play the guitar, harmonica, stomp box, and drums all at the same time and wondered what else those fingers can do.

So, what makes musicians so hot?

Beneath it all, I think it’s because when someone does something they truly love—they shine.

This shininess is enticing. It draws us to it like bees drunk on honey.

It’s why musicians and artists have women and men throwing themselves at their feet, begging to be lovers and share that sweetness even just for a little while.

“We want that!” is painted on their hungry eyes.

We want what they have—for they are standing in their brilliance doing what they love.

We want to do that too. But we sometimes are misguided and think we want the hand in which we see it from.

If you are persistent to hook a vagabond, someone should warn you that eventually the buzz from the honey wears off.

Dating a Rock Star is great, until:


1. You’re in a relationship with the whole band.

Forget the challenges of coordinating just two schedules—you’ve now got a third, the band’s Google Calendar.

“What’s the band doing tonight?”

“What’s your practice schedule like?”

“Before we book our holiday—we should see if the band has any gigs that week.”

“Sorry babe, I forgot—I’m jamming with the band that night.”

“We can’t move—the band’s here.”

Have you met his band therapist? Oh yeah, you’re it.

If you lived in an SUV with six dudes and drove 5,000 km in two weeks, surviving on Tim Hortons—you’d have issues too.

2. He would fuck his guitar if he could.

You’re the mistress; she’s the real deal.

She makes his engines crank in ways you will never understand.

Don’t fight it.


3. You’re dating a Sex Icon (Awesome).

Back in the day musicians and many artists were made out to be sex icons.

They were asked by their agents to be “available but unavailable.” It is often why musicians have the reputation of being charming schmoozer’s. It’s an act.

They were branded to be this object, up on a stage.

Some artists choose not to say whether they are single to keep a mystery alive, to keep the audience dangling on a hopeful string.

John Lennon had an “undercover wife” and son that he never spoke about until after The Beatles broke up. The Beatles manager, Brian Epstein wanted the band to appear as eligible bachelors to their audience.

Although outdated and inauthentic, still to this day some producers and agents give artists slack for not appearing available.


4. They all kind of look the same.

I don’t have a type; I just date men with beards who wear skinny black jeans, white V-neck t-shirts, denim and leather jackets.

Boat shoes? Yeeeeeaaah.

Doc Martens? He’s got the red and the black.

Long shake worthy stage hair, bunable? Check.

Converse kicks, hats, tattoos, long dangling bullet necklace, big silver rings?

Check. Check. Check.

They never wear plaid, nope, never.


5. Get used to loading equipment in -30 Celcius weather.

 Cover? Don’t worry about it!

Coat? Here, I’ll take that!

Drinks? On the house!

With the band? Hold this!

-30? Hold this anyway!

Part groupie, part donkey—hope you don’t get frostbite.


6. What area code are you?

I’m sorry, that was cliché.

Then again, Nicholas Sparks got away with swans, rain and a rowboat—so let me pass go and collect 200 bucks.

This only sometimes always happens.

I mean, sometimes, when musicians get lonely on the road they get confused and wind up in bed naked with the wrong woman, but, they were drunk, and you were far away, right?


7. See you Never.

         Part of being a musician is to take your art and throw it as far out into the world as you can.

This is also known as touring, aka extended amounts of time where you’re staying in the loop through the band’s social media updates.

FaceTime, Skype, text messages and old fashioned phone conversations are great—but part of being a musician’s partner is being strong enough to withstand long periods apart.

It often means delicious short bursts of over saturated time squeezing in as much one-on-one, and love making as possible, but eventually that tour bus rolls on out, and the I miss yous roll in.

You might not be able to hack it.

We haven’t even got to the fan photographs that pop up in your newsfeed yet.

Who is that?

Did you sign her boobs?


 8. Girls, Girls, Girls.

Remember why you first started dating him? He twanged on the guitar, ran his hands through his long luscious locks and serenaded you till you swooned, right?

Of course you did—any bozo plays a G chord right and he’s suddenly Ryan Fucking Gosling.

Well, he does that as a job, all the time, and you’re not the only one he gives panty soup to.

Not to mention–the busty blonde is the one buying his album, going to his shows religiously and contributing to your someday tropical vacation fund.


9. You’ve got the check? Thanks Babe.

“What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.

How do you get a drummer off your doorstep? Pay for the pizza.”

~ Someone in Nashville

Some of them have day jobs. Some of them make lots of money. Some of them are also sometimes always broke.

It was cute when my boyfriend was 17 and jamming in his parents basement, it’s not so cute when you have to cough up gas money for your 30-year-old boyfriend to come visit you.

Let’s not forget that, even broke, most of them can still afford beer, lots and lots of beer.


     10. Hi! Have you met my ego?

All artists have egos, I know—I’ve spent time with mine.

It doesn’t even mater if they aren’t any good. They could be crap—he’s still a lead singer. He will still think on some level he’s god draped in leather waiting to be discovered as the next big thing.

Electric guitars are penis extensions.


***Disclaimer: There are stand up musicians who play in bands and don’t want to fuck their guitars (well only a little), who aren’t broke, who don’t cheat and have no interest in signing boobs. This article was written to make the ones who have chased them laugh and know they are not alone.



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Editor: Travis May

Photo: Daniel Holden

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