October 23, 2014

The Pros & Cons of Sex with an Ex.

sexy couple love

“Having sex with an ex” is a common response when a group of people are asked about stupid things they have ever done when it comes to relationships and sex.

Most of us have done this. I did more than once back in my single days. And usually it ends badly.

However, this isn’t always the case.

While some may be rolling eyes at the mere thought of it or wondering how it cannot always end badly the truth is, there can be some advantages.

For instance, there is a familiarity there that cannot be present in a one-night stand. Sometimes, it can even make us remember why we fell for that person in the first place. Usually, whenever there is a break-up, even a so-called good one, there is a tendency to remember the negative more than the positive.

Of course, that isn’t to say that it isn’t without it’s problems.

A major one is that if the sex comes too soon following a break-up, it can result in raised (false) hopes of one or both thinking that a reunion is possible. It can also be extremely awkward the morning after.

However, the truth is things happen. As long as well as talking about consenting adults and both parties are honest with each other, there is no reason to feel ashamed about giving in.

While I am not suggesting that anyone carry around a checklist in case it should come up, this is in no way definitive, asking ourselves these questions may prevent us from a worst-decision-I-ever-made anecdote.

In the event that you are considering sleeping with an ex, here are a few things to keep in mind before saying yes.

1. What do I hope to gain from this?

This is a time to be completely honest and leave all politically correctness aside. Do we just want a physical connection or do we desire more? If it’s more, then does that involve possibly getting back together?

If any of this is unclear, then the time to speak up is now and not while or after we are lying in bed with our ex. It comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever had sex that most people aren’t at their most logical and rational right before, during or after sex.

Also, it’s important to know what our partner is expecting as well. If you we are unclear, then we need to ask. Making assumptions will only lead to problems later.

2. Has enough time passed?

While I am not a fan of generalizations, usually the period immediately after a break-up is not a good time to hook  up with an ex especially if we aren’t the one who initiated the split in the first place. Often times, the wounds are still too raw and there is pain on both sides.

While there isn’t a standard for “enough time” a good indicator is if each of you can talk about the break-up without getting overwhelmed.

3. Is any shame or hesitation I may be feeling coming from a real place or is it because I am afraid of the judgement of others?

The idea that it is stupid to ever sleep with an ex is so common place that most don’t even question it. It’s even been the plot line of several movies and sitcoms.

And while there are good reasons not sleep with an ex, the truth is, each person has to decide those reasons for themselves. As long as we are talking about consenting adults and each is unattached to another person, it really is no one else’s business or concern.

All too often we listen to the “I shoulds” rather than our own intuition. This is particularly true in the case of women,  even modern, liberated women who may still fall prey to the idea that “nice girls” act a certain way.

The truth is, nice people of both sexes are complex and may not act in ways that always confirm to society’s expectations. This is perfectly okay.

Frankly, no one needs to know about our personal lives unless we feel the need to share them with others and unless we specifically ask for advice or opinions, no one needs to have other comment.


In conclusion, there may come a time when we are presented with the opportunity to sleep with an ex. Depending on the circumstances, the decision to do so need not be a disaster or one that fills us with regret or feelings of personal stupidity.

While it may not result in happily-ever-after, there can actually be some perks to the experience. Despite what we may be told, it’s not impossible.

In any case, it’s important to remember that our personal lives are just that-personal and all that matters is how we feel about our choices as well as the person we chose or don’t chose to get intimate with.

There may not be many universals when it comes to sex, but shameful sex of any sort is not sexy in the least.


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Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: pixoto


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