November 14, 2014

Ask Me Anything: Why do Men Lose Interest after Sex? {Weekly Advice Column}

 woman bed

*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal opinion, view or experience of the authors, and can not reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here. 


Dear Elephants,

Welcome to this week’s Ask Me Anything, where no question is out of bounds! To submit questions for next week, please email me at [email protected] or private message me on Facebook.
I look forward to hearing from you!

Dear Erica,

I know that men and women are wired differently. We have different hormones running through our bodies that play a role in our sex drives.

Leading up to and during intimacy, my sex drive is at 100 percent. I’m completely drawn to the woman I’m with, enjoying the kissing and touching and genuinely interested in making her feel good.

However, it seems that for me, the moment the “act” is finished, I lose all interest in intimacy. In a matter of seconds I go from complete interest in all aspects of our experience together, to absolutely no interest at all. I don’t feel like kissing or cuddling. Basically, I just want one of two things: to go for a walk or make a sandwich.

My question is, why does this happen? Is there a release of different hormones once orgasm is reached? And how/why are women different from men?



Dear M,

As a mere laywoman (pardon the pun), I don’t know what physically happens but I suspect that’s not really what you’re asking.

It sounds like you feel guilty about your Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine post-sex and that you wish your transformation wasn’t so extreme because of its undoubtedly bewildering effect on your partner. If that’s true, then what you’re really asking is how to be true to your innate nature while not hurting other people—and that’s a great question.

Unfortunately the answer is, you probably can’t—not entirely anyway.

Let’s say, for the sake of argument , that most women need/want/expect some kind of continued connection with their partners post-sex. Unless you find that rare woman who doesn’t (and I’m sure there are some out there), you’re pretty much going to have to provide it or risk being thought of (accurately) as a very selfish person. But there are lots of ways you can do this which might be less disagreeable than cuddling or kissing.

You mentioned wanting to go for a walk or make a sandwich. Would you consider taking that walk with your partner or making a second sandwich for her? As a woman, if my guy suggested either of these things I’d be delighted.

It’s okay to not be all shmoopy shmoopy after sex, but ideally you should find ways to honor the connection you’ve just made even if it’s a bit of a stretch for you.

Green Gift

Dear Erica,

I’ve been married for 10 years to a great guy, we have a nice home, two kids, it’s great.

My problem is, and I feel so bad saying this, is that I hate every single present my husband buys me. With Christmas coming up, this is on my mind so I thought I’d see what you thought.

It’s like my husband doesn’t even know me with he stuff he buys—he spends a lot of money on “nice” jewelry and I really don’t even wear jewelry except my wedding rings, or he’ll get me clothes that are the wrong size and totally not my style and even when he brings me flowers, they are something awful like mums or daisies which I’ve told him a million times I hate!

I know I sound ungrateful, but I feel so bad that he is spending money on all this stuff that is wasted on me. I’d rather he just wrote me a note or cleaned up after dinner for a week. I’ve been dropping hints about this for years to no avail. He just doesn’t get it!

How can I get my husband to stop wasting money on me like this?


Dear Ingrate,

Problems like this as easy to solve. All you have to do is use your words!

You say, “Honey, I love you, you’re amazing and you’ve always been so generous. But let’s start putting whatever money we would use to buy gifts for each other in a college fund for the kids. If you want to give me a present, write me a note or help me clean up around the house. That would be really meaningful to me.”

He might not quite believe that’s what you really want, and it might take you saying this in some form or another more than once, but when he finally sees your delight (and make sure to be extra delighted) at his new kind of gift giving he’ll know you were telling the truth.

As a side note, I think all women would cherish a love letter (a letter, not a card with someone else’s corporate sentiments printed on the inside) from their partner almost more than anything else their man could give them. Try it out this Christmas and see, boys—we’ll be falling all over ourselves with gratitude.



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Author: Erica Leibrandt

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Erin Stoodley/Flickr

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