February 26, 2015

When it Comes to Relationships, what Separates the “Girls” from the “Women?”

french women style historical photo


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Warning: Adult language ahead! 


Okay ladies, no more bullshit. It’s confession time.

Whether we’re single and dating or committed and spoken for, manipulative games abound.

We’ve all been on that side of the sandbox at one time or another and let’s face it, it might as well be quicksand. The games we play with the men in our lives are not pretty and are usually a sure fire way of getting the exact opposite result than the one we desire.

For those of us that are perhaps in denial and/or wondering exactly what I mean by “games,” let me list a few of the things us “grown-ass ladies” have been known to resort to in the name of, ahem, love.

  • We talk about other men and old boyfriends to test his “jealousy gene.”
  • We intentionally don’t call or respond back to attempts at communication for extended and unnecessary periods of time to seem busy or imply disinterest.
  • We gossip and put down other women {particularly attractive ones or anyone we think he might be interested in}.
  • We wait for him to make all of the moves {playing the “helpless little girl card”}.
  • We use or withhold our sexuality like a poker chip in order to get a rise, feel attractive and feed our egos.
  • We fuel and create drama, even inventing problems for his attention.
  • We issue ultimatums.
  • We frequently “call him out” on things attempting to make him wrong or inadequate {emasculating behaviors}.
  • And, any passive-aggressive behaviors like pouting and sulking instead of communicating.

If any or all of these sound a bit familiar, then consider yourself a professional athlete in the “relationship games arena.”

These games and testing behaviors are the acts of an immature girl, not a grown up, self-assured woman. This is not enlightened or empowered behavior.

If we are attempting to control our men and get them to behave the way we want them to by putting them in the doghouse or by any other undesirable means, we are acting from an incredibly unconscious, unenlightened and uninspired place.

This is a completely destructive way to go about finding, getting, keeping, nurturing and growing love. In fact it’s the total opposite of love.

So, what separates the “girls playing games” from the women who understand and appreciate men?


(More on this later)

When we attempt to control and manipulate men, it backfires on so many levels.

For one, he will deeply resent it and ultimately leave—or at the very least he will react super negatively putting us in combat, not harmony.

Additionally, if he does put up with even some of this behavior we will eventually lose respect for him, as his ability to be controlled and manipulated by us will be felt as pussy-ass weakness. This undermines our attraction and destroys the essential masculine/feminine polarity in the relationship.

And most importantly, this is not love! This is some fucked up I have not examined my garbage and I definitely don’t love myself, unconscious, needy, insecure, shitty, little girl behavior.

Stop, just stop.

A healthy, loving relationship is not manipulative and controlling and these games are toxic and destructive.

Childish games stem from insecurities, a lack of self-love and a faulty belief system. Most women (and men) will succumb (to a degree) sometime while in a romantic relationship. It is the rare human that has completely worked through their crap thoroughly enough to never be triggered or tempted into a testing game; anyone out there that has, bravo, but please confess that at one time this was a part of your less conscious past.

Our romantic relationships trigger us in ways that no other relationships do; they are the ego’s playgrounds. That’s why they are our best environments for learning and growing. They show us (when we’re open to seeing it) where our unresolved issues are and where we need to focus our inner work.

Most often self worth issues are at the core and will be our biggest areas to nurture.

The relationship we have with ourselves must come first and we must learn how to step into our higher, divine, goddess selves before we get deeply involved with men and start dragging them through our unexamined garbage. We can and will do much of this work while in relationship, but so much of it needs to be done on our own if we are seeking a healthy partnership.

Finding a practice or two like meditation, yoga, journaling, reading personal development books, working with a coach or therapist, seeking out more evolved social circles and self empowering events, practicing honesty and vulnerability, exercise, and a clean diet; these are the things that help put us on the path to a more mindful, loving and conscious life; a life that can sustain “game free” love.

Now, back to this idea of intention.

There are non-toxic games that can be enjoyed in the spirit of fun and playfulness. These games are loving and giving and stem from a desire to work towards providing, nurturing and maintaining a well functioning, healthy relationship. That is their sole intention!

Granted, there can often be a fine and fuzzy line between what appears like a healthy game and what is in actuality a destructive, sabotaging ploy, but we can certainly feel the difference when we tune in to ourselves.

So what do healthy games look like?

To start, we must be coming to play from our highest selves in order to fine-tune our “coy” to the positive intention channel. This will feel fun and playful and can show up in and out of the bedroom.

“Fine-tuning our coy” means knowing how to work our gifts in a way that feels seductive and inviting. We maneuver and navigate through our terrain like an all-knowing mystical creature, intuitively sensing the perfect moments to strike or pull back. We can tease, flirt, withhold (to a point), role-play and use our femininity and sexuality in all kinds of fun and experimental ways. And when the heat of the moment becomes too much to bear, we willingly surrender, all bets are off.

This is the type of game we can both enjoy.

There are also feminine “roles” we can play with, that in turn facilitate a guy’s desire to step up and play the masculine role he naturally and typically enjoys. A bit of “the chase” provides a healthy and polarizing way to keep things steamy and fun. This might show up in the courtship stage, in the bedroom or anywhere at anytime.

When we give a guy an opportunity to “work” {a bit} for us, it is perceived and felt as a good thing, a manly thing, and a “conquest” of sorts. This makes him feel like he’s “earned us” and this is a rewarding feeling and somewhat necessary for his ego.

But, to a point…

This is very different than making him work his ass off for us, questioning if we even really give a damn about him. At the end of the day it’s about intention mixed with a healthy dose of sensitivity and common sense.

Healthy, playful games are incredibly important for keeping the passion alive and adding spice and creativity to our relationships—vanilla flavored missionary gets old pretty quickly.

We just need to check in first with the feelings surrounding our choices. We know immediately in our gut when something feels good and loving versus manipulative and controlling. Trust in the honest and higher choice even and especially when it feels a bit scary.

In the end, these are the games where everyone wins.




 14 Ways To Create Honesty In A Dishonest Dating Culture.


Author: Debra Faith Warshaw

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: elephant archives 

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