Fog, thick and heavy, covers me so no one else can see. So no one can get in.

Day after day enveloping me, holding me down. You taunt and tease me. At times I can see through you. The sun begins to shine and I get a glimmer of hope. And just as I begin to feel the warmth of the sun on my face and in my soul, you take it away, just as you have done so many times before. You come back at me just as unbearably strong as the first day you appeared. You come and go as you please, but each time you leave, you leave the air heavy at my door so I will always remember you, feel you.

I couldn’t seem to get rid of you. Until now. Until today.

Today I woke up to the warm sun shining so brightly through every window of my being. So bright on my body, my eyes hurt from squinting. Tears ran down my face from the light and from the happiness. I have no idea where you have gone. Maybe you are darkening someone else’s doorway, but I am thankful that you no longer know where I live.

For now you’re gone and I have no idea if or when you will return. But while you are gone, I will prepare for your comeback.

And when you show up, I will be ready for you. I will be strong.

I see the green grass, the blue sky, the birds are chirping, and the wind through my hair—all signs that you are no longer here, hurting me, keeping me from living. The signs of your departure leaves half a smile on my face.

Happy, yet not fully trusting you are really gone.

But the sun has never been out for so long. It gives me hope for a new day, a new life and sadness for what was suppose to be.

Standing outside, I feel the cool breeze across my face. I hesitate to close my eyes and take it all in, for fear if I open my eyes you will be back, forever imprisoning me. And I no longer want to live that way.

For now my eyes will remain open until I trust you are gone for good. Each day I will stand on this deck overlooking the water and I will be thankful for the sun and that you’re out of my life.

But I’ll also remain thankful for the time you did envelop me so profoundly. Because when you left, you gave me the opportunity to see things I have never been able to see before instead of only what you allowed.

My appreciation for the sun, grass, sky, and chirping birds is greater than it would have been without you. You are the reminder to appreciate the good and simple things in life. The reminder that the little things are what makes life worth living and the ability to enjoy what I was otherwise unable while you weighed heavily in my life.

So today and always I will be grateful for the fog, showing me how valuable my freedom really is.

 

 

Relephant: 

How Meditation Cured my Depression 

 

 

Author: Kelly Smith

Editor: Renee Picard 

Photo: Hartwig HKD via Flickr