Although Robin Williams is in the title, this is basically my story. I have chosen the one-year anniversary of Robin Williams’ death to tell it. Hopefully it may reach just one person, in that one moment when they need it most.
I have considered suicide.
I have danced and diced with death.
I have talked with it, questioned it and accepted that it is something that calls to me at times. I do not fear it.
I have never been afraid of death.
I have also accepted that ultimately, it is my decision—it is a powerful and dark labyrinth, an intense magnet that when I’m down, it can grip hold of me and pull me in further. However, it is up to me how much I let it grasp me and how far I allow it to drag me under.
I searched everywhere until I finally found the answer to all the questions.
I was afraid to be alive—not afraid to die.
Life scares the living crap out of me.
The reason is this, purely and simply:
I am a little different.
Okay, I am a lot different.
I don’t blend in. I don’t settle and I definitely don’t fit.
I am not a square peg. I am a unique irregular shape and I struggle daily to find a place to slot into.
The pain I regularly feel can be compared to a high-pitched screech resounding through my body and mind. Then there is the numbness. The nothing. The blank calm—that scares me more. No feeling, no emotion. Emptiness.
I am a person of extremes. So, when I feel, I feel it all—or I don’t feel a thing.
So, what are the options?
Live the hell out of life. Literally. Live. Fill the days with love and happiness; seek out good friends, experiences, nature, laughter, fun and adventure. Do one thing new every day, however small it is. Every day create a brand new memory, something to look back on. Take small steps towards a huge goal—start now! (Right now!) Maybe most importantly, reach out to someone who you think needs it.
And now, I live by my own advice. I replace the pain with excitement, with joy, with pleasure. I live fully and I don’t leave room for any negative feelings to creep in. My life is full. I am happy. I am full of love. And, when I do get those niggling thoughts entering my head, I quickly replace them with all of the above…and much more <3.
Remember, you only need to fill your heart with your own love—anyone else’s love is a bonus! We have all we need and more right inside our own hearts, minds and souls. We just need to forgive, accept and love ourselves madly. Self-love really is all we need. I promise. Try it.
And if you need a few more words, here are a few from a genius:
“You’re only given a little spark of madness, you mustn’t lose it.”
“To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval, but, the simple truth of that recognition.”
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”
“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”
“What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.”
“I think it’s great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.”
“You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.”
“You’ll have bad times, but it’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.”
Sadly Robin Williams did not live by his own advice, but below are a few words from him that make far too much sense for me not to share here:
“Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.”
Assistance is always available:
Author: Alex Myles
Editor: Travis May
Photo: APB Photography/Flickr