{Caution: adult content and language ahead!}

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“Every man’s life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.” ~ Ernest Hemingway

When I was younger (before the internet), some young men I knew bought magazines for their fix of nakedness.

I’d roll my eyes when they said that they only bought them “for the articles.”

But actually, there were some great articles in those magazines—even though those young men were obviously kidding.

Now, in the age of freely available nakedness, I laugh when men say that they’ve learned a lot about sex from porn.

I’m amused because that would be like me saying I’ve learned a lot about golf from watching Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore. Except, I have to admit that I have learned something about life from watching porn.

Of course, there’s porn and then there’s porn.

Now, I’m not going to curate a list of good porn for you here, but suffice it to say that violence and degradation against women—or men for that matter—is out. (I expect some readers will challenge this with their opinion that all porn is degrading in nature, but I’ll have to politely disagree.)

Please hear me out.

I may be a complete nerd, sitting around thinking up life lessons while watching a rather scintillating movie, but here’s what I’ve learned from porn about life well-lived.

“The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself” ~ Anais Nin

Let go of inhibitions.

No one seems to have any inhibitions in porn.

No matter how unusual or kinky the act, it’s all a go—and enthusiastically so.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to approach life in this way? No matter what idea popped into your head, no matter how it made your soul tremble, no matter how shy you were or how far out of your comfort zone—you would try it because you had set your inhibitions aside.

What if we took it a step further and said that we wouldn’t use drugs or alcohol to induce this inhibition—free state and just free fall into trying new things, because our soul is dying to experience the thrill of it?

You know that feeling when you’ve met someone new—a person who just made your toes curl and your panties fall off—and you spent the day vibrating, thinking about what naughty thing they might do to you and how it would feel?

What if life felt like that all the time? All inhibitions tossed to the wind, along with those panties?

I want my life to play out like a movie where the lights are left on, and my lover insists on things that make me blush. I want to experience letting go.

F*ck like you mean it.

In porn, everyone f*cks with enthusiasm. It’s a marathon of I’m all in, doing this until you forget how to walk type of f*cking.

How often do we approach sex with our partners like this? How often do lovers just go through the motions—making love in a most routine fashion?

I never see porn stars having ho-hum sex. They’re either all over each other or—well, generally there is nothing else in porn.

What if we made love, or f*ucked as it were, with an “I’m all in” attitude? And if we weren’t into it, we would pursue some other activity with our mate. Like reading or meditating or doing yoga together? Or maybe a walk in the woods?

What if sex was what we did when we really wanted to do it? Wouldn’t that be more honest? Wouldn’t we truly be practicing great intimacy by f*cking when we really meant it?

I’m not saying to do this excluding cuddling or enjoying each other in a softer—I need you to hold me—sort of way, of course. There are days for that. And then there are those other days…

Embrace diversity.

Scrolling through porn options, I can typically find anything that rocks my proverbial boat.

Think of anything, right now, that would make you scramble for the toy drawer. From straight, to gay, to inter-racial, to bondage, to bi-sexual, to transgender, to oral, to anal—or wherever your mind takes you—porn has it.

There is no judgement in porn. There is no end of diversity. There is no shrinking back from any kind of scenario—everything is accepted as simply what the person watching it or doing it needs for a fulfilling experience.

Diversity is beautiful and there is room for all.

What if we saw each other as simply as this? All races, all colors, all inclinations, all religions, all customs as necessary to the human condition (barring violence or abuse), and we valued each other for our differences?

Life is not simple by any means. Humans are burdened with too many prejudices to simply allow such diversity. We would have to be de-programmed about all sorts of things. We would have to let our minds agree with our spirit that what is different is not a threat to our very existence.

Because aren’t we all afraid when someone in our tribe comes up with a revolutionary idea and breaks up the safe cocoon we’ve been living in? Don’t we want to throw them out of our village and protect our old beliefs?

I want to live in a world without borders, without prejudice and without judgement of each others life needs.

“Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will be as one.” ~ John Lennon

Kiss and make up, tomorrow is a new day.

At the end of some bondage sex scenes, the movie maker conducts an interview with the actors.

He asks them about the experience—what they liked, what they had less tolerance for, and would they do it again?

No matter what shenanigans have gone on—spanking, whipping, tight the restraints, pain and pleasure endured—the actors euphorically recount their impressions and exchange kisses and well wishes, until the next bit of exquisite torture.

I love these little vignettes—the sweet-natured answers, the complete non-resentment toward the person who just meted out a considerable amount if pain.

It’s a movie, and perhaps these things are staged, but usually—as I am intuitive—I can tell when the sex play has had a profound effect on the participants.

Pain sometimes imparts a euphoria that transcends the actual sensation.

In our state of the ever-peeling onion where we examine our life, I hope that we can see beyond “what happened” to us and find a place of peace and forgiveness towards those who’ve hurt us.

In my own life, where hurt has been considerable, I remind myself that the scenes in the movie of my life are simply that once they are over.

I strive to look back objectively and find euphoria in my present state of well-being.

I’m not being facetious when I say that porn has taught me these things. My habit of searching for answers in the strangest of places has revealed some enlightening teachers.

And I am grateful for that.

Relephant: 

I’m a Woman who Watches Porn. {Adult}

**Bonus: Waylon & Lodro Rinzler: Buddhist Wisdom on Relationships: Sex, Online Dating, Porn and Potatoes.

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Author: Monika Carless

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

Photo: Pixabay