September 24, 2015

A Personal Rebirth: How not to Lose Yourself in a Relationship.

girl leaf

My story isn’t full of roses and butterflies.

My story is about how losing control of my relationship ultimately lead to my rebirth as an individual.

Society paints this picture of the perfect relationship. Couples do everything together, they aren’t suppose to fight, and they are supposed to compromise parts of themselves in order to make the relationship worthwhile and wholesome. I’m not saying that under certain circumstances, compromise isn’t healthy, but what if we are compromising who we are as individuals in order to keep the relationship going?

When the man I loved ended our relationship, not only was I completely heartbroken, but I was confused. We had the perfect relationship, we never fought, and I always did what he wanted me to do, so why doesn’t he want me anymore?

He didn’t want me anymore because I had lost myself.

I had transformed from the woman he fell in love with, into the woman that I thought he wanted. And the woman he had fallen in love with was someone who stood up for herself, someone with hobbies and passion and fire in her heart. I had become so consumed in pleasing him that I gave up pieces of myself.

I lost my opinion, my voice—I wanted him to think that I was the perfect person who agreed with everything he said and did. I was so afraid of losing him, that I lost myself, and ultimately lost the relationship regardless of how hard I tried.

I had always thought I knew how to be an individual, that no man could make me compromise who I was. But he didn’t ask me to do those things, he didn’t ask me to give up yoga or to stop writing. He didn’t ask me to give up my friends or my alone time. I gave them up because that’s what I thought he wanted. A woman who is always there. A woman who makes him feel special, someone who would give up anything just for him.

I’ve realized now, that a relationship is suppose to be two individuals, who come together to challenge each other to grow and to bring something new and exciting into each other’s lives.

I was too consumed in his life, that he never got a chance to be a part of mine.

I’m writing this article for someone out there, someone who has given up too much of themselves in order to please someone—don’t do it, don’t forget who you are. Don’t be afraid that you will lose someone if you speak your mind. If they love you, they will stay and appreciate you for your individuality. If they leave, then it wasn’t mean to be.

Be strong, share your opinions, set boundaries, share your hobbies and passions, and let someone be as much a part of your life as you are theirs. Your opinions and thoughts make you, you. Never forget that.




How not to Lose a Guy (& More importantly Yourself) in 10 Days.


Author: Heidi Gerk

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Sarah Zucca/Flickr

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Heidi Gerk