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Relationships are similar to a burning fire: If you don’t keep on kindling them, they will go out.

Despite acknowledging this truth, we take our relationships for granted. When we lose our partners, we often look back and yearn to rebuild what has been destroyed.

Relationships aren’t heaven, and things are never completely perfect. They may feel perfect at the beginning, but after a while conflicts begin, feelings of annoyance resurface, and we move from being “in love” to “in suffering.”

In order to avoid the “in suffering” phase, certain reminders must be taken into consideration. If we neglect these things, the relationship will end. If the relationship doesn’t die, something inside us will.

Either way, we risk our own emotional stability and the health of the relationship we are in.

I have been in relationships for as long as I can remember. Looking back, each relationship died for a different reason. In my opinion, we often don’t realize how much we were causing damage to the relationship ‘til we’re left with nothing.

The following are seven things that I think will kill the best of relationships.

Cheating.

I have been cheated on, and I know many cheating stories. I’ve put cheating first on my list as it is the issue that causes most damage in a relationship. Based on my experience, the trust I had for my partner was wrecked. I tried to rebuild it but feelings of deception were stronger than me.

I have learnt that trust is the foundation stone of relationships. When trust is absent, there will be no comfort in the relationship. There will be doubt, disappointments, fights, and nonsense effort to regain what has been lost.

In order to avoid killing trust, we must be very careful when it comes to loyalty. If we can’t be loyal we shouldn’t pursue any sort of relationship before working on ourselves and our personal issues.

Shortage of sharing.

Shortage of sharing in a relationship is a great source of conflict. Couples don’t have to be 100% alike. If they can’t share their similarities, they should at least share their differences. The last relationship I had taught me a valuable lesson: It’s not about what we have in common with our partner, it’s about what we share with them.

My partner and I were very different. However, he was so engrossed in what he does that I had no chance to share what I do. This issue resulted in losing my identity and losing myself.

Eventually I died, and the relationship died.

To prevent similar conflicts, partners should always allow each other to share—especially if they love different things. In the end, the goals of relationships are sharing, living together, and becoming unbreakable friends.

Lack of communication.

This is a huge red flag in relationships. Its effects can cause damaging problems that will result in fights and anger. I once had the type of relationship where I wasn’t allowed to convey my opinions. All the fights we had were stemming from this particular corner: lack of communication.

I kept everything that bothered me inside. As a result, I turned into a scary witch who only wants to shout.

The break up we had was pretty awful (and shouting was included too).

I believe that couples must communicate everything, even the silliest matters. When problems, opinions, and ideas are discussed, the chances of entering a hazardous argument are low. No matter how unresolvable the problem is, the consequences will be less heavy.

Unsaid things in relationships are a poison, so partners should stay away from silence as much as they can.

Absence of hope.

To lose hope in a relationship means to lose the relationship. Before, I underestimated the power of this issue but when I experienced it, I realized that it’s a killer. The absence of hope results from the mind. The mind has the complete ability of convincing us that things will not work out. Not only will it create a huge wall, but it will also create an endless scenario of how bad everything will turn out.

When we live with similar thoughts, our behaviors will indirectly change with our partner. We will bring about a negative energy that will abolish the existence of love.

Thus, we should refrain from overthinking when we are committed.

Living in the past.

I am someone who lived in the past when I used to be in relationships. I would unconsciously compare my current partner to my past one. Sometimes, I remember the harm I was being caused. At other times I would recall the bad memories I had.

All of this—and everything else left unsaid—is what killed my relationships.

I now know that my current partner isn’t the same person that my past partner was. If I had a bad experience it doesn’t mean that I will have it this time also. Thinking about the past will have us behave the same way that we behaved before, and sometimes the one we are with simply doesn’t deserve it.

In order to not kill the love we are feeling now, we should omit any existing memory from our heads. The past is behind us. The only moment we have is the one we are living now. Let’s learn from the past, but let’s refrain from living it again.

Denying the other.

This one hurts like hell. Yes. I have been denied before.

When we are denied we basically feel as if we don’t exist.

We may feel lied to and deceived.

This is a killer to both the relationship and the partner.

Denying the other can take on many forms. We can be hiding our partner from our friends, our families or even from social media. We generally stay away from any conversation that might tell that we are in a relationship.

Sometimes we stay away from plans so we don’t have to bring along our loved one.

Partners must beware of this issue. We should question our love and our convictions if we are denying our partner. If we don’t truly love him/her we should be brave enough to end the commitment we are in.

Even if the denied partner doesn’t acknowledge that they are denied, we should understand why it’s unethical and refrain from doing it.

Selfishness.

When we are selfish we are basically thinking about our own gains and not the other’s; as a result, the other person will feel utterly left out and not cared for. At some point they will feel that they are giving but getting nothing in return.

A relationship is a work of two and the presence of one selfish person is capable of destroying the whole partnership. Hence, a balance must exist and we should work hard to keep it. I have been with selfish partners before and I realize how hard it is to be with someone who only thinks about himself—not only does it hurt, but it questions the existence of love.

If we are selfish in our relationship and we recognize it, we should work on ourselves as selfishness will ruin the truthfulness of commitment.

Relationships are very fragile by nature. If we are willing to commit to a lasting partnership, we should weigh our behaviors, emotions, and actions.

Most importantly, we should never take our partner for granted.

Khalil Gibran says: “Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” Don’t wait for separation to acknowledge the depth of your love. Let’s acknowledge it now.

 

 

 

Relephant: 

How to Love Better: Mindfulness in Relationships.

 

 

Author: Eyane Youssef 

Editor: Renée Picard

Image: Mirøslav Hristøff at Flickr

 

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Bonus: