Warning: Naughty language ahead!
I am kind, creative and a great listener.
I’m an open book and a hip mom.
I’ve survived a lot of crazy and screwed stuff with an attitude to thrive. I have cool friends, I get shit done, and I’m kind of funny.
By all accounts, I’m a pretty solid and dare I say admirable chick. It says so on my superhero cape.
But in recent months, I recognized themes of behaviors in my external world—things my ex-husband or partner do or say—which always result in a hot, lingering, gooky anxiety inside of me. Only certain things though: they each have other various styles of ass-ery that don’t affect me, even technically troublesome conventions that I am able to hold with love and compassion.
A trend of scenarios was spurring the same responses: isolation, insecurity, my sense of worth getting sucked out of me faster than an unsuspecting goose through a jet engine. The more it happened…the more it seemed to happen. My mind kept getting yanked faster and faster downward each time into distraction; I was losing valuable momentum towards my goals and feeling unhealthy and irritable towards my kids. Too many hours were spent in a depressing fog instead of creating, feeling ambitious and providing peace for the innocent little souls that need me.
I became unrecognizable to myself.
Wha?? Who is this mess and what happened to my cape?
Here’s what happened. We are all woven from the same basic cloth of core needs. The need to be:
The need to have:
Hurtful things occurred in our lives that we had very few tools to cope and heal with. These experiences poked holes in us and weakened or unraveled the fabric of our self-worth and sense of security. As we avoid connecting with and healing these experiences in grown-up life (through anger, shut-down, anxiety or any other fear-fueled response), they remain open holes. We try to fix these holes with people, pleasures, stuff. But those things are temporary and will forever leave our cape in a shredded mess on the floor. We end up fearing anything that is a perceived threat to our already damaged emotional needs; we respond in conditioned ways that are contrary to our inner superhero: Love.
Those things life was throwing at me that got my superhero cape in a twist? They were direct reflections of shitty experiences I was perpetuating. They were messages telling me to attend to what was preventing me from being my best self.
Until we are courageous enough to weave our purest sense of self back together with our own love, we will continue to fly on weak fabric, susceptible to being ripped and tattered by outside forces.
Conflict—whether external or internal struggle—is a debilitating distraction that doesn’t serve your health, happiness nor support your success. These are the things you mightily deserve; they are your most valuable assets.
When you allow conflict and distraction to inhabit you, they replace your power and effort to create a thriving life and to embody love.
You must become unfuckwithable!
*Unfuckwithable: When you’re truly at peace and in touch with yourself and nothing anyone says or does bothers you.
I’m not over-the-rainbow-cape-fluttering-in-the-wind-yet, but in just a couple of short months, I have managed to actually start managing what comes at me, kindly blocking and placing emotional triggers outside of myself so as not to absorb them as distractions or informants of who I am and what I can do. I am experiencing a kindness to myself and a level of emotional liberation I’ve not felt to date. My productivity is higher; I feel a more intrinsic confidence and am lighter and highly in tune to my capabilities. Stuff’s just not draggin’ me down like it used to.
Here are four things that are helping me become Miss Captain Unfuckwithable:
1. Name what happened.
First, what are the scenarios that seem to get external conflict or internal gook stirring? Examples:
I get angry when…
I panic when…
I feel isolated when…
Then get honest with yourself. No one’s looking. Ask yourself why. Really, deeply why. In a non-blame-y way.
And the doozy: How might this relate to something from your growing up days?
2. Divorce it.
Visualize pulling that thing that told you you weren’t worth it or robbed you of your security apart from you. Untangle it from your fabric, place it across from you. Observe it. Have a talk with it.
Know that every single thing, person or word that happened to you was only an experience. You define how you will be as a result. You can choose to perpetuate the experience, or you can be happy and successful as you deserve.
Divorce those experiences as definitions or excuses. Hey, people can remain kind with a person they divorced. Why can’t you divorce your experiences? You can hold them with great respect for helping you learn, thank them for the ride. But if they’re keeping you from being the you you dream about, it’s time to say good-bye.
3. Deeply accept that nothing outside will change.
Until you do.
In the spirit of “You receive what you give,” once you release yourself from your experiences and let go of the fears and ways in which you perpetuate the “I’m not, I can’t”, conflict will dissipate; things that seemed to work against you before will give way to support and encouragement.
Hark! No matter how much of an emotional superstar you become, it doesn’t guarantee that people will cease to be disrespectful, inattentive or [insert trigger behavior here] anymore. But it will exist outside of you, exit your being—maybe even your life. When you understand that insecurity causes us to resent, criticize or otherwise mistreat others, you can more easily isolate the feelings that come with being on the receiving (or giving) end of conflict. You can allow it to exist in your space without it weaving its way into defining your happiness or dreams.
And that, my dear superhero, is power.
4. I am. I can.
You are exactly who you dream about.
Before and after all your experiences.
Without judgments, excuses, procrastination or blame: You can.
Stop. A lot. Remind yourself:
“Everything changes when you start to emit your own frequency rather than absorbing the frequencies around you, when you start imprinting your intent on the universe rather than receiving an imprint from existence.”
~ Barbara Marciniak
It does. Take it from someone who is sewing her cape back together one thread at a time.
Author: Kelly Berdine
Editor: Caroline Beaton