December 5, 2015

Ask Me Anything: Woman Meets “Twin Flame” but he Neglects to Call. {Weekly Advice Column}

unavailable man

*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal opinion, view or experience of the authors, and can not reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here. 

Dear Elephants,

Welcome to this week’s Ask Me Anything, where no question is out of bounds! To submit questions for next week, please email me at [email protected]I look forward to hearing from you! ~ Erica

Dear Erica,

I need some advice.

I’ve met my twin flame, was able to spend a magnificent week with him and then he moved 1,500 miles away. Neither of us have been in touch with the other, but I feel like part of me is gone now that he’s left.

I’m sitting here, tottering between the idea that it’s a two-way street, he could reach out to me as easily as I could to him, but also trusting my gut and listening to my intuition.

Because I feel that things are not over between, I will be the one to reach out to him sooner than later (within the next three months), to at least touch base again.

I don’t know if I’ll tell him how intensely he’s affected my life (and part of me fears maybe it’s just me who feels it or he’s not ready for it), but in that respect, I don’t know what to do. Should I try to let go of this and be happy that I had the experience, as well as faithful that if our time will come (as this is my twin flame), it will happen eventually?

Try to make peace with the knowledge that it won’t happen right now?

I feel like I’m not ready to move on, that it’s all still so fresh and that I don’t want anyone else. I want the connection I had with him, and forever more, he will be the standard I compare others to.

Overall, I’m stuck and not sure how to decide whether I need to accept what has happened or try to continue it from a distance.

If you can help give me a new perspective or help me discover how I can move forward I would be grateful.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

~ S.R.

Dear S.R.,
You had one week with this man.

He moved 1,500 miles away and you have yet to hear from him. You didn’t say how long it has been since he left, but if my “twin flame” didn’t call me after moving so far away I’d have some serious thinking to do.

It sounds as if you had a wonderful, special week with someone and that you are now romanticizing it to the point of obsession. But even if you are being a romantic, so what? If you want to call him, call him! What is the worst thing that could happen? You’d be rejected. If so, you’ll lick your wounds and move on.

You’re right, this is a two-way street and the only way to discover if you and this guy are on the same path, is to be brave enough to take a few steps forward. As the saying goes: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

If he doesn’t respond favorably, at least you’ll know where you stand and you can re-embark on your search for a soul mate—a braver, wiser woman.

Dear Erica,
I am in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man and its wrecking my whole existence.

When it all started, I thought that I was stronger than my longing for security and thirst for love—yet now, after two years I am falling to pieces.

I am a highly dynamic and a low-maintenance woman, I have a great job, financial independence and a good life. He’s an engineer and comes from a good family—believe it or not this is all I know about him. He’s ambiguous and he doesn’t accept talking or sharing anything about his life, his family, his career or anything.  He has told me on many occasions that he doesn’t want to get married and he refuses to have kids.

He says that he loves me, but his expressions of love are limited to bedroom and nowadays I feel like he wouldn’t do anything for us if it doesn’t lead to sex.

He is highly careless—like when I am sick he never calls nor checks on me. And if I need anything that I cannot afford he doesn’t help. I feel like he’s a silent witness and when I don’t pamper him he accuses me of torturing him.

Last week, I was frustrated and tired and I was telling him all about my day and asked if we could meet, but instead he went out with his friends until late.

I got really upset and told him that I needed him by my side. His answer was that nothing is clear about me in the relationship.

I asked him to elaborate and he wouldn’t. He turned and said, “I don’t know if you are happy with me and I don’t know if I am making you happy.” After a long debate we agreed on meeting the next day and when we did I told him that I am trying my best to make things work and that I love him. I asked him what he wants from me—his answer was, “Nothing, I don’t want anything from you.”

I left him and I told him that i cannot do this anymore, now he’s texting me all the time and calling saying that he loves me. He says that I am the only one who ever made him feel.

I asked him again if we would get married, he accused me of having someone else in my life.

I don’t want to hurt him but I am hurting, my career is endangered, my health is endangered (I have lupus) and I don’t know what to do!!

Please help me out!

~ Emotionally Available

Dear Emotionally Available,
Let’s recap; your boyfriend is “emotionally unavailable” and he is “wrecking your whole existence.”

His “love expressions” are limited to sex, he is “careless” and doesn’t help you when you are in need, but when he needs something and you don’t provide it he accuses you of “torturing him.”

After two years, all you know about him is that he is an “engineer” who comes from a “good family” and “refuses to have kids.”

When you tried to talk about your relationship he said he “doesn’t want anything from you” but as soon as you decided (wisely) to leave, he began texting and calling you and telling you he loves you and wants you back.

The only question you should be asking is why your self-esteem is so low that you’ll accept this behavior from anyone. A good therapist can help you figure out the answer.



12 Signs You’re Involved with an EUP (Emotionally Unavailable Person). 

Author: Erica Leibrandt

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr/angellea (glitterbug)

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