December 16, 2015

Cleaning out the Closet of Self-Doubt.


I’ve been tired lately.

Maybe it’s the onset of the Pacific Northwest winter, or keeping up with the overwhelming positive response to my new passion.

Whatever it is, I have been exhausted.

Unfortunately, in my case, with fatigue comes doubt. It creeps in on the backs of momentary weaknesses and starts a stir of negative self-talk.

I know that I am a teacher. I know that I am happy. I am told I am an inspiration. But I am also human.

I have fears and I have doubts.

Often, I unwillingly succumb to irrational thoughts, such as: Am i on the right path? What if there is something better out there? Do they like me? Am I doing the right thing? Who am I to be coaching, inspiring or teaching?

These thoughts invade my space. I doubt myself. I lose faith. I feel icky.

I play with depression. Like a cat plays with a shimmer on the wall. I see it. I know it’s there, but thankfully it never catches me. I’ve always believed that things happen to me for a reason and that reason is generally for the greater good, but often it can get overwhelming.

When this happens, I use a healthy tool—sitting down to meditate.

Meditation is my neutral point, the place I go when I don’t know where else to go. I know the only way to fight back is arming myself with a strong sense of self, and meditation makes me strong.

How to Meditate:

1. Sit in a comfy seat, on a comfy meditation pillow or even in bed. You can be almost anywhere, as long as your back is straight, the crown of the head faces the sky and you are comfortable.

2. Close your eyes. Allow softness in the eyes as they sit in their sockets.

3. Let go of all conscious thought. As easily as thoughts float into the mind, allow them to float right back out.

4. Focus on the breath. On an inhale, follow the breath from the tip of the nose to the center of the eyebrows. On an exhale, follow the breath from the center of the eyebrows back down to the tip of the nose.

After a few minutes I get flushed with familiar warm and golden energy.  It floods my body, breaking up any pathways that were previously clogged. It coats my skin and pumps into my heart, and soon after a smile comes to my face. I am free of my ego as I’m able to drop into my divine subconscious self.

I was raised in a family of mediators and it was always said that when something—a thought, an image or a string of words—transpires while meditating, we must follow it.

So I burrowed through my closet, looking for my box of pictures, degrees and framed items. Under the the box marked packing material in the back of the closet I found it. My bounty of strength.

My self-inflicted self-doubt started to lift as I pulled out decades of degrees and certificates. Years and countless hours of framed recognition of my holistic education in homeopathy, Ayurveda, yoga therapy and meditation. Not to mention a lifetime of self-exploration and study that came in tow. 
I hung them one by one on the back wall of my apartment so I can look at them as I walk into my home. My mind started to reset with every nail that pounded into the wall. I admired my framed past and gazed towards my future with gratitude and strength.

All it took was 15 minutes of meditation and a few nails.

To all of you lovely layers of light;

To all of you inspirational individuals;

To all of you that know you can be but don’t know how to be;

To all of the boisterous beings that walk beside me in this life:

Don’t hide your knowledge in a box in the back of the closet. Please know that we all hold a special skill—the drive that gets us out of bed in the morning and pushes us forward into the unknown.

We all have a way of looking at the world that is different from the person standing next to us. We all have that shimmering magic at our fingertips, we just have to meditate on where to focus it. I believe that everyone inspires, but we only reach others when we pull it out and display it. Learn to be proud of it and others will too. Express gratitude for your gift and share it with the world. Walk boldly towards your dreams and keep a strong sense of self.

My teacher at the ashram says, “We are expressions of the Divine. We have all chosen this expression for this lifetime. Because we are expressions of the Divine, then we are a part of The Divine, therefore we are perfect.”

Just live your true life. Take big steps of faith. Be content. And go forth into the world with soft edges and radiant light.


Relephant links:

Karmic Love: 7 Steps to a Healthy Relationship


Author: LeLa Becker

Apprentice Editor: Traia Thiel / Editor: Caitlin Oriel

Image: _scartissue/Flickr

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