I am 25 and I have never been kissed.
The right time just never came around the corner to catch me in a swell of delightful surprise.
The right man?
He must be waiting to jump on the right train at the right time.
I trust him not to get it wrong.
My soul is confident in its vibrations: Wait for the right moment when the universe will smash the two of us together in a vibrant splash of serendipity.
I have never been on a bonafide date.
I have had to defend my right to wait for true love for most of my young adult life. Many of my peers could not fathom my lack of interest in trying people on for size.
This may be because I am old-fashioned: no one has asked me out who has also piqued my interest. The opportunities for finding stable romance in my university years were difficult. The university experience today is flooded with open love and the sharing of partners. Lots of people wanted to share an encounter with me, but I met no one with whom I could see myself falling in love.
I felt as though I were the only person who didn’t enjoy a polyamorous lifestyle. To me, it came across as messy and emotionally draining. I witnessed that the outcome of these encounters was often emotionally-embroiled sexual angst and sadness.
My soul rang to the bells of more traditional romance. I wanted to share my heart, not spread it around like dots of cream cheese on a bagel.
I attempted to explain my path: I would wait for something more meaningful than a strand of one-night stands.
People worried. Big time.
Men and women alike would often ask me a series of long questions with cock-eyed glances:
“Are you religious or something?”
“What if it never comes?”
People would try to lead me out of what they saw as a hole of sad disillusionment into the light.
Boys would attempt to persuade me into bed with statements like:
“Disney betrayed you.”
“Wow…you know nobody does that anymore.”
“Everybody’s been around.”
Girls would say:
“No boy is going to like a girl who is so sheltered.”
“All men care about is vag. Any boy who says otherwise is a liar, which makes him a d*ck.”
And many other cerebrally-stimulating arguments which would have sent Plato and his symposium guests headed for the stony, goat-dotted hills, shouting, “We got it Wrong! We Got it Wrong! May Zeus strike us all with his thunderbolts, We Got it All Wrong!”
University life was difficult. The feeling I got was that if you weren’t mercilessly making your way around the bush tree, then something was deeply off about you. It means you must be a prude, overly religious, or socially underdeveloped. I was none of those. I knew this, but there were many days where I found it challenging to feel confident as a desirable woman worthy of a potent form of love.
My one regret about my unique romantic journey is the length of time I that spent worrying about how people who saw love differently from me affected the way I saw myself.
I now trust myself when I hear my heart saying:
Love becomes you
It’s bound to happen
Love got tangled up in a notion that it must be a constant, sporadic procession of trial and error
Like an irritation
That shoves your heart around
Bouncing this way and that
Like a pinball smashing in to the many twisted walls of an arcade machine
Leaving you dented and confused
But I refuse to believe it
Because I was born to believe a purely divine love exists between people
And if you think the same way,
You’re not alone
You are quite normal
If you are waiting for true love—whatever that means to you—see yourself as the soul most deserving of love.
Be open to the best love you deserve.
For a long time, I had been under constant duress, thinking it was I who needed to change my perspective. Too often, I battled my innermost beliefs and intuition, questioning them until they cried out from exhaustion.
With great difficulty, I learned the art of kindness and generosity towards myself when the “magic moment” kept falling short of happening.
I give this advice: Be kind to yourself.
I allowed the opinions of others to influence my perception of the woman I saw staring back at me in the mirror. I came to believe that I fell short in amiability, attractiveness, and sexual desirability because I could not fulfill the kind of love commitment that I wanted to have. Once I understood that the people whose opinions I had cared about do not see love the way I see it, I was able to recognize the lack of love I had for myself.
I was able to learn and understand self-love.
I am now able to see beyond what others think, and I am able to love myself. My confidence in my intuition is stronger. I believe we have all placed ourselves in this universe, and I know our souls are destined for love.
True love exists. It is alive. It burns like a fire within the souls of many people. Something so powerful is worth waiting for. You are worth waiting for.
Be kind to yourself. Know yourself.
Your intuition is the clearest lake in which you can see your truest reflection.
Everything else is just raindrops.
Author: Colleen A.J. Smith
Apprentice Editor: N.V. Randall / Editor: Renée Picard
Image: via Una Laurenci at Pexels