December 4, 2015

Thank F*ck you Never Loved Me.

walking away

“You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you, not someone who is on the fence about being with you.” ~ Unknown

The best thing you could have done, was to never fall in love with me.

At one point, I wanted you to love me and I thought that your love would make sense of all the confusion that we sometimes couldn’t see our way out of.

It’s not that I begged for it, but I also just never gave up hope.

Not necessarily because we were a perfect fit, but because I wanted it to be you.

And now I realize that I wanted it to be you, more than I actually needed you.

I liked the image and the picture that we could have painted.

We both know I am a bit of a romantic, even if my sarcasm and profanity hides it at times—and I liked our storyline.

It was one that felt comforting and known and so I thought that it was what I needed.

But, now I see that truly the best thing that you could have done for me was to simply not fall in love with me.

If you had offered it, I would have taken your hand in a minute.

I would have walked my talk, but I know now that maybe not tomorrow, next month or even next year—but at some point I would have wanted to fly away.

Because as wonderful as you are, I would have grown claustrophobic in the life we would have created.

That’s not to say that I don’t long for someone, because I do.

But, I also know that whether I’ll ever find it or not—I simply want it all.

I want the delicate balance of being with a man who can take control, but who also doesn’t mind when I wander off the edge of the page, in search of something that can’t yet be named.

I dream of sleeping next to a man who I know will have my back no matter what life throws at me, because I would always go to the ends of the Earth, just so he fell asleep with a smile on his face each evening.

And while I may be a bit of a reckless free spirit, I also can’t wait for the evening when I can cook a meal that fills a man’s heart as well as his belly.

I did love you in the way that only two people who have known each other forever could.

But, I realize now that I was never in love with you, although I didn’t want to acknowledge it then.

I will forever be thankful that you never decided to pursue things with me, because then I may miss out on someone who is better suited for me.

Someone who doesn’t mind getting woken up by a little blondie with crazy morning hair.

Someone who will never thinks that I am too much—simply because he can’t ever get enough.

Because I realize that wildness isn’t a behavior—but it’s a spirit characteristic.

And while I know the man who I invite into my life will have a heart of gold, he also will deviate from the norm, just as much as I do.

More than likely, he will even delight in not doing what everyone else does, just like me.

At one point, I clung to the idea of you because I was afraid of what life would bring me.

I didn’t want surprises, and I didn’t want the unknown and frankly I didn’t want the challenging—changing my life forever—kind of love.

So, as much as I never saw it—you were my place of forgetting that I ran to, when life frightened me or even let me down.

Because with you, I was and will always be a carefree teenager who has no desire to woman up and face whatever the hell the universe has in store for her.

The thing is, no matter how many times I ran away from life, I was never meant to run into your arms.

While that carefree girl was wonderful, I don’t want to be her anymore and I don’t want to deny or ignore the parts of myself or my life that continually call to me.

The one important thing that you did do though—is to show me that I am ready.

I’m ready to have my world rocked and turned upside down.

I’m ready to not run and to face whatever is brought to my doorstep—and my heart—each day.

I don’t need you, or anyone else to put off living the life that I am meant to, any longer.

So, I feel it down in my bones, that one of the deciding moments of my life was when you decided to not love me.

Because now I know that you left an open spot in my heart for someone to come in and f*ckin’ change my life in ways that I can’t even fully comprehend.

I’m ready to invision someone with me at the grocery store and making dinner at home.

I can picture someone spending days of adventures with my girls and me.

And I can picture telling a man that I have fallen in love with him.

Because in you choosing not to love me, I realized that I am ready for love.

I’m ready to give up every damn preconceived notion that I’ve used to keep me warm at night, for far too long.

I never would have expected that walking away from one another would have been the start of the greatest adventure of my life—but now I see that it is just that.

Because it really wasn’t an ending at all—it was just the beginning.

The start of the life that I had waiting for me all along.



Author: Kate Rose

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr

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