I’m the type of person who is in awe of pain.
Everything I have created in my life, be it drawings or poems, was driven by suffering. Through you, however, was I able to create something driven by love and happiness.
I wrote you nothing but beautiful words.
The tables have turned today. For the first time, I reach out to you with melancholic words—yet I’m not sure if you deserve any more words from me.
I’m not the type of person who blames other people. When it comes to you, I’m only blaming myself.
I lulled myself into thinking you loved me. Doing so gave me a sense of security. I kept coming to you like a dog would come to a treat. But the truth is, you never asked me to come; and maybe this is why I blame myself.
I blame myself because it was crystal clear that we were not going anywhere and yet, I kept myself living in a shell of delusion. I translated your passiveness to humility, your silence to empathy and your reluctance to hope.
I drew a thoroughly different image of you than who you truly are. And yet, the universe was intelligent enough to spin the wheel of events and unveil the reality of your flimsy emotions toward me.
You never understood love, for if you did, you would’ve understood that nothing can keep you away from the person you truly want. No mistakes, no uncertainty and no doubt can keep your soul away from hers. No temptation and no desires can have you kissing lips other than hers.
A man who truly loves is a man who aims to fix, to understand what went wrong and own his part of the problem.
A man who loves is a man who forgives, who helps his partner remove the cloud that’s shadowing the truth.
A man who loves is a man who overcomes his fears and strongest insecurities.
But here I am today, learning more about the type of man you truly are. I am waking from the dream I’ve been in for far too long. You’re not the one who woke me up though—time and situation did.
And it seems you have woken up as well, considering you have disappeared. You were like a storm that knocked me over then vanished into nothingness.
I don’t hate you—I have loved you deeply, to the extent of not allowing any traces of hate to occur in the future.
But I suddenly feel indifference. I feel what I should’ve felt long ago.
As for you, we both know now that you were already indifferent about all of this. There is no need to keep speculating whether you love me or not. You see, love is simple and easy to spot. Love is a moment that transforms into forever. When you fall in love, there are no doubts, no speculations, no over-thinking.
You just know that this is the person you want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of your life.
And so, love defeats all. To love is to tightly hold a rose with all its thorns and allow them to deeply sink in your flesh. But if you’re not in love, you’ll behold that rose and think twice before scratching yourself with the tiniest thorn.
And sadly, you only stared at my rose, but never held it the way I thought you would.
Passive man, I set you free now. I set you free from my love, myself and my being.
Although I thought I wasn’t expecting much of you, the ugly truth is, I was. And thus, I too set myself free from the expectations and delusions that I willingly delved into.
You’re the one who taught me what love is and at the same time taught me what love isn’t.
And now, I can only thank you for the lessons and the memories.
Author: Elyane Youssef
Editor: Nicole Cameron
Image: David Marcu/Unsplash