“We can’t ask people to give us something that we do not believe we are worthy of receiving. And you will know you’re worthy of receiving it when you trust yourself above everyone else.” ~ Brene Brown
The most difficult thing that any of us can do is to simply ask for precisely what we want.
It’s so much easier to take what we get—to remain silent about those things that we want or need—because by not speaking up, we aren’t taking the risk that we may be turned down.
Yet, no one in this life is a mind reader, and no one can be the voice for another.
Ironically, sometimes it seems that if we don’t ask for what we want, then we can somehow stave off heartbreak or disappointment, but the truth is that this causes our desires and needs to die a slow death, and we can never really be sure about what would have been possible.
We fear asking for what we want, not just because we may not receive it, but because we just might.
Sometimes getting what we want is the scariest thing in the world, especially if we still doubt that we are worthy or deserving of it.
While we may remain silent in our careers, not asking for a promotion or raise, the worst sabotage that most of us do to ourselves is to swallow down our needs when it comes to romantic relationships.
It’s a lot easier to take a chance on our careers than it is to take a chance on love, because our jobs (while important) are something that we do, but love is who we are.
We can leave our workplace—and with it the paperwork still sitting on our desks and the unanswered emails in our inbox—but there isn’t ever any leaving our hearts.
In terms of love, the biggest obstacle that any of us face is ourselves.
We have been conditioned since birth as to what we should be allowed to ask for, and what we are told is too good for us—so many of us feel we should never try to expand beyond those bitter parameters.
We sometimes fear asking for what we want, because of that voice that hasn’t yet healed from old familial wounds whispering to us: “Who are you to ask for something so great?”
The point at which we can tip the scales is when we realize that it doesn’t matter where we came from, it doesn’t matter who we were or what mistakes have been made, and it certainly doesn’t matter what choices our parents or families made.
None of that has to do with being true to ourselves and getting the life we want.
However, what does matter is being able to listen to ourselves and finding the confidence to believe that we do have the right to ask for exactly what it is we want, because we are deserving of it and so much more.
We deserve to have our hearts and our lives filled with love, support, respect and generosity.
Yet if we still are holding onto our questionable worthiness, then we will never find our own inner voice to ask for what we want—and thus we will never receive it.
I have battled my own inner demons in terms of asking for what I want, because it’s scary. It’s terrifying to think that when we finally state our desires and needs, someone may throw their hands up and walk away from what is being served.
But I know now that if that does happen, then they were never meant to sit at my table to begin with.
It’s taken a great deal of work in the areas of self-awareness and confidence to be able to speak up for exactly what it is that I want, not just in the romance department, but in my career and life in general.
I spent a great deal of time running from my emotions because I feared hearing that horrible, metallic word, no—or worse, nothing at all.
I’ve realized though, that even if someone chooses to not accept what I am offering and what I need, that it bears no reflection on the woman that I am or those things that I am asking for.
Because I am confident in what my needs are, and now I truly believe the only way I will get what I want is, to in fact, ask for it.
So when it comes to my job, I do speak up, and I say what I want and need. I can state my strengths and weaknesses are without apology or self-doubt.
In my career, I don’t accept less than what I know I’m capable of, because I am only accountable to myself, and I’ve made the choice to not let myself down this time.
Failure is just not an option.
And in love, I have found the courage and inspiring freedom to say what I feel and what I want from a man and a relationship.
When I tell someone that I love him and could see him in my life, I am speaking my truth—and I can feel at ease, knowing that whatever does happen, I’ve stated what I want upfront—even if he chooses to walk away.
If I meet a man who I feel is only after one thing, then I have no problem telling him that he just isn’t going to get it, because that isn’t what I want.
I know now that I will never keep silent just so I can have something, because I’d rather speak up, knowing that this time I want it all. Only once we begin to trust ourselves (and our hearts) can we find the confidence to ask for exactly the kind of life that we want.
We will never know if we can get it—if we don’t first ask.
Hearing “no” isn’t the worst thing in the world—the most painful choice we can make is to keep silent about our needs, hoping that somehow others will just inherently know, and then becoming disappointed when they don’t.
As for me, I do trust myself—and I know precisely who and what I want—and now, I have no problem asking for it, because I know that is the only way that I will actually get what I want.
Author: Kate Rose
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina