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April 24, 2016

So I Dated a Few Douchebags—Here’s my 12-Point Checklist so You Don’t Have To.

lil'_wiz/ Flickr

If you see one of these coming, turn the other way, sprinkle thumb tacks over your tracks and run—unless you would like to learn the same lessons I did.

I may have made a few undesirable romantic matches in life; however, dating douchebags was probably the worst of them. Nothing is harder on our self-esteem than sleeping with someone who doesn’t actually care about us, and let me get this straight, these ones don’t.

I have put together a simple checklist to help others who think they might be dating one (or have in the past and need to get over it), for anyone can get duped by these charismatic fools.

It’s not a reflection of our personal intelligence, nor should it make us believe that all men (or women) are like this; D-bags are a special breed.

Douchebag Checklist:

1) Their favorite hangout is the gym or bar.

These people love to be in places where they get immediate attention, scope out the scene and feel powerful. What better spot than a gym or bar? Both places are suited for flexing muscles and ogling the opposite sex.

2) Preferred vehicles are muscle cars and oversized trucks.

Yes, douchebags are compensating for something: their lack of emotional humanity. They want to be seen and don’t have the real confidence to do it through conversation—so vehicle bling it must be.

3) Manipulation comes naturally to them.

We won’t even like these people at first, but somehow they manage to sneak into our lives—and our pants. One even told me he wanted me to come over at one a.m. so he could make me his mother’s famous poutine recipe (I love french fries).

4) They care about their appearance more than we do.

D-bags love mirrors because their self-esteem is so low. They need constant reassurance of their appearance and take longer to get ready than we do. I dated one who had to try at least five outfits on before we went out. After all, it wasn’t just me he was trying to impress.

5) They’re smooth.

Often not the deepest conversationalist, but they do know how to lay down one liners, and they have their sexy wink down pat. There was one who would wink at my girlfriends when I was still in the room.

6) All of our time together will be spent in bed.

Once they get us, this is the place that they would like to keep us. It’s their safe haven; it’s also the place that assures them of not having to explain our relationship to anyone (what relationship?).

7) They won’t hang out with our friends.

The excuses will be abundant as to why they are unable to meet our buddies. The thing is, when someone knows they are using us, the last thing they want is to be is inspected by our pals who would call their bluff a mile away.

8) “Cowardly” describes them perfectly.

Unfortunately, underneath their ability to snag dates, they don’t have much guts. I had one break up with me through a text 10 minutes before he was meant to pick me up for dinner; his mother was sick, and he didn’t have the energy to date and take care of her. I saw him shortly after, out with a new woman, and no, it was not his mother.

9) They’ll want sex immediately.

Something I have learned about honorable men, is that they will wait until you show signs of desiring intimacy first. Douchebags will not. They will probably push themselves on you on the first date. They like to get together when it’s dark, when there are plenty of reasons to make bed the convenient meeting place.

10) D-bag plague: the forgotten wallet.

There are few things I hate more than paying for something someone else said they would treat. One man I dated would “forget” his wallet all the time. I finally made him drive all the way home to get it, while I waited at the restaurant with the waitress curiously staring at me.

11) Lying is a lifestyle.

On top of being cowardly, these people will make up lies—even unnecessary ones—to make themselves sound good. One once faked a serious illness to keep from going on vacation with me.

12) They’re not adults.

I finally came to the conclusion that these people are not adults; they’re children. They might just need to grow up, but honey, you do not want to be the one to teach them. So give them a swift wave goodbye and get yourself ready for the world of real men and women.

By spotting a douchebag before they get their fingers on our undies—or our hearts—we can deflect this disaster. Life is short. We need to keep ourselves open for those who will hold our hearts and our hands with pride.

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Relephant Read:

10 Ways to Handle Douchebags who Ruin your Life because they Want to be Happy at the Expense of Others.

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Author: Sarah Norrad

Editor: Toby Israel

Image: l’il_wiz/ Flickr

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