May 7, 2016

4 Keys to Hot Sex When You’re Apart.


Closing the Distances Between Us.

She leaned over the edge of the bathtub 592 miles away.

Her gentle clavicles gleamed in the light and I caught a glimpse of her tattoo at the top of her left arm.

“I have 10 percent left on my phone,” she said and grinned.

We spoke about nothing until I could not stand it anymore.

“Can I see the girls?” I asked. Oh my. If my mother, rest her soul, could see me now.

Key 1: Arousal

Don’t do anything explicit. It is the subtle suggestions that arouse, endear and remind you that this is your heat, your fire and your moment in the sexual sun. Absence can make the heart grow fonder, but it doesn’t have to cool your sex life.

This isn’t porn where everything is obvious. This is the expression of heat and love across state lines, even between countries. And as such it can offer a whole new kind of geographical naughty.

Don’t flaunt your assets—a flash of a breast, the thought of a thigh, the imagined touch of a calf can lead to a journey all the way to where you really want to go without leaving home.

Too often, curled in bed together one thing leads to another too fast. Distance pulls foreplay out like taffy reminding us that sex isn’t an event or experience, but a way of life.

Key 2: Flirting

Weeks later we were sitting on the front porch. I imagined a distance between us, even though there wasn’t one, intentionally forgetting that we had often kissed deeply, made passionate love and been together for three years. Her unexplored shoulder was almost within reach. I wanted her arm there but didn’t know if she would let me.

She smelled a little like cinnamon and sage. And I sat poised, paralyzed by the possibility of reaching for her.

Flirting is about almost, something you could do but haven’t yet. Sexual flirting is the richest form of sexuality, it offers holy moments outside of time and space. You become a kid pre-Christmas, anticipating is often much more fun than actually opening the presents and way more joyous than having new stuff. Make no mistake—your lover is a present waiting to be opened, then opened again in new ways. Your lover is the gift you always wanted savor the opening and you will discover the power of flirting.

Unbuttoning a button, purring, mentioning past romance or hinting at nibbling a lower back can heat up a phone call. Especially speak of things you haven’t done yet, but would like to—daring dare to speak about them at a distance and making home coming even hotter.

Key 3: Ad-lib

Whether long distance or right in your face, the process of making love to each other ought to be spontaneous, outrageous and totally unpredictable. It might contain Tarzan yells, extended silence or rolling off the bed when you least expect it.

I was making no progress with a woman on a dating site. I would write great stuff to her, days later she would respond with the fewest words possible squashing my desire.

Finally, with nothing to lose, the best sexual position ever, I wrote her one last note. It went like this:

“The end of this week I am headed to Austin to lead a workshop. I would like to see you before I go [we had never met]. I invite you to come to my house this evening or tomorrow evening. Unlike the smalltalk that people do when they first meet I would like us both to commit to being totally silent, spending the night together, having some breakfast and then you heading home: all without a word. Would you like to visit?”

“I can make it tomorrow night, what time?” is the response I received in less than 15 minutes.

She came and we had an extraordinary evening. It was a date that neither of us will ever forget. I didn’t hear her voice nor she mine until three days later when I called her from Austin. Though we aren’t living happily ever after together we continue to be friends and have a story that few others can match.

I dared to reach out in an uncommon way, I ad-libbed, and she reached back. Had I anything to lose I would have played it safe and we never would have met.

In a long term relationship it is more difficult to assume the philosophical position “nothing to lose,” but only when you do, can you ad-lib fully—making love unpredictable and living with the presence than uncertainty offers.

Key 4: Always Say “Yes”

Practice saying the word “yes” to your lover more than you do to anyone else.

Yes closes the geographical distance by bringing the two of you into alignment (it works up close and personal as well).

Yes creates a context of approval, and that is conducive to love. Say “yes” before you think, before you make that detailed list of possible consequences and you will find yourself more open and loving. You can always say “no” later if you must. That initial “yes” doesn’t lock you in, it furthers the action and connection as the two of you become one.

“Do you wish I was there?” Yes.

“Would you let me stroke your hair.” Yes.

“Can we go to dinner at The Sand Dollar when I get home.” Yes.

Yes may get your clothes slowly and seductively off, lead you to showering together on FaceTime or making love behind a tree at a rest area. Yes, will lead you to stories about what you did that others would only dream of.

Practicing “yes” makes you a much better improviser in the game of love, which is always improv, whether up close and personal or at a distance.





Author: Jerry Stocking

Editor: Travis May

Image: Flickr/Alan Antiporda

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