I just wanted you to love me.

I wanted nothing more from you than to see love translated into actions.

It is not because I lack love to myself or because I needed it—it is solely because I chose you amongst seven billion people in the world.

And although I hoped you would love me all right, you loved me all wrong.

I hated it. I felt like a beggar on your doorstep asking for the right kind of love. Mostly, I hated myself for lingering in unfathomable situations with you. I hated myself for accepting to be loved in that particular manner.

Now, I no longer do. Although I am still trying to forgive myself for accepting that wrong kind of love, I am thankful that I received it.

Thank you for loving me all wrong.

You have made me realize that it is of great significance to be loved in every wrong way at least once in our lives. The wrong kind of love is the punch that we get and never forget. It leaves us with clear bruises that remind us of the pain every time we look in the mirror.

Although wrong love is painful, it is beneficial. It allows us to grow in an instant and grants us the power to stand on our own two feet.

I couldn’t be any more thankful to you than I am right now.

Thank you for treating me as if I don’t exist. If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have known the value of my own existence right now.

It is because I felt worthless that I now realize I am worthy.

Thanks to you, I have learned that we are the ones who give people the permission to diminish ourselves—I was the one who allowed you to suck out my self-confidence and my life.

Thank you for never listening to me because you made me realize that my voice is worth being heard—it was your unconscious attempt of shrinking my words into nothingness.

You have taught me when to leave and when to stay. It is because you have loved me all wrong that I now know we mustn’t accept staying in toxic relationships for the sake of love.

I’m grateful that you lied to me. Through your lies I now understand the importance of honesty. I am honest today more than I have ever been, as I am wary of the wounds that lying leave behind—I’d rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I’m not.

You made me love the person you are not, and thank you for doing so. By showing me your true colors, I learned that love is about action.

You taught me that love isn’t words, nor is it merely sensual f*ck.

How I thank you for opening my eyes to the fact that the most beautiful love ever made is the one with the soul. And although you have taken my clothes off my body, you kept my soul entirely dressed. I wanted you to undress it, touch it and make love to it.

Alas, my wishes were in vain.

More importantly, thank you for never being ready. Now I know that it’s not relationships you weren’t ready for—it is “I.” You weren’t ready neither for me nor for the intensity of my love. You knew you would drown in the depth of my ocean and this is why you made me believe that I was merely a lake.

Thank you for getting the best and the worst out of me—you were like a double-edged sword that made me see my two polarities. Now I know how much I can give, how patient and forgiving I am and how much sh*t I can take.

At the same time, you showed me how weak, co-dependent, angry and attached I can get.

Your wrong kind of love forced me to find balance within myself. It taught me that there is a thin line between being kind and being stupid because darling, sometimes we become so kind that we become blindly stupid. I now have more awareness within myself that will be of great benefit for me in the future.

And perhaps the greatest lesson of all is you are still teaching me how to forgive myself. You’re teaching me that I shouldn’t blame you—it is me I must blame for I chose you and decided to stick around like a lost puppy.

Thank you for loving me all wrong because now I know what it means to love all right.

I have visualized the right kind of man out of the wrong kind of actions that I saw in you. Thanks to you, I came to realize what kind of man I want to be with.

You opened my eyes to what I really need, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Thank you for showing your true colors.

Thank you for being you.

It is because I saw this side of you that I know more about who I am.

 

 

 

 

 

Author: Elyane Youssef

Editor: Renée Picard

Image: Hernán Piñera/Flickr