Each day I wake, having told myself I would not…that I would not hold on.
That I would let go of you—that when I wake, I’ll have let you go.
But this morning, like many mornings, I’ve awoken to the delicate whisper of your soul yet again.
I think, “D*mn it, I’m still in love with her,” relating to how I feel about someone so strongly despite the many feeble efforts I make each day to detach, let go and love without expectation.
The moment she crosses my mind, it’s all over. The first glimpse of her each day and I’m falling again—falling for her all over again.
She mesmerizes me.
This woman who haunts my thoughts, desires and dreams—I can’t help the way I feel about her, and so often I’ve tried to discount these feelings and rationalize this behavior as love-lust or an infatuation, ignoring what’s real and passing through me in the present moment.
I’m cultivating love, and each day our lesson is to acknowledge it while giving it to the divine for transmutation and expression. In this case I cannot reach out to her and simply say, “I love you, I’m in love with you.”
What am I to do about this very real, nagging feeling that occupies my mind, body, heart and spirit so often?
We suck it up—remembering to love ourselves first and foremost because needing someone this way reminds us of how much we need ourselves too; that self-love cannot be relied upon from others for our own personal satisfaction and fulfillment.
Sometimes we simply need to be there, holding space—not making sense of it or trying to examine things too closely. Sometimes our heart simply wants us to stay put and to be there if or when someone needs us. Even if we’re thousands of miles apart, we can be there for them—in spirit.
We need only think of them for a few moments, realize how blessed we are to know them and that our lives intertwine and separate for many mysterious reasons, of which we really have no genuine comprehension of.
It’s a miracle to even know someone on such a soul-deep level.
What are we to do when someone else’s heart drifts elsewhere?
We honor their space and respect their commitments while remaining steadfast to our own.
The woman I imagine loving would do it for me, so I will do the same for her.
Sometimes the cultivation of love is meant to gestate over long distances and periods of time.
We can simply smile kindly upon this person we hold so dear to our hearts and whisper how happy we are for them into the wind.
I’ll even whisper, “I love you.”
Because I care—for reasons that cannot be explained. Because I just love her and that too cannot be explained.
It’s the guiding force of all that is, so why not let love guide us to where we’re meant to be?
Does this mean that some fairytale ending will take place and that they will one day be in our arms?
No. It means that we’ve been granted an opportunity to love someone who stirs our soul from so deep within, we tremble. It means that we’ve found meaning in loving someone else while learning to accept ourselves too. They coax our vulnerable nature to the surface where they can truly see who we are at our core.
We simply stand in reverence to them—head bowing to their divine majesty; because we recognize them for who they truly are and we love their flawed nature as though it were perfection in every moment.
Each day I open my heart to her because this is where my compass needle points, and when it hurts, I know that the only real, valuable service I can offer her is when I’m as complete as I can be; when I’m leading my own life in all of its imperfectly flawed splendor.
There is pain within each of us that I know the other can feel, and on some level we are here to help one another heal those wounds—to hold one another tenderly in spirit and to assure our presence is felt.
Today, I simply realize that no matter what, life is happening right here and now around us—our life is here right in front of us. I can imagine a life with her but we must also ground ourselves here to our present reality. We cannot waver from our own journey that we’ve embarked upon for so long now.
If two paths are meant to collide they will but until then we cherish what’s been granted and that two hearts speak fluently to one another in prose and ballads under the night sky and morning sun.
What continually comes to mind is to simply love her, to accept where she’s at in her life and that all is perfect already.
For this, I am eternally grateful.
Author: Thayne Ulschmid
Editor: Emily Bartran
Mindful Market offering: Things I Would Like to Do With You by Waylon Lewis