June 24, 2016

If you’re Still Hung Up on a Past Love, Here’s How to Change your Perspective.

 Ryan McGuire/Gratisography

There must come a moment in our efforts to let go when we fully realize our own value.

Instead of looking at our loss and what we miss about the other person, we need to absorb the fact that they lost us, too.

It doesn’t matter who ended the relationship. It doesn’t even matter if it ended amicably or not. When we’re grieving for a relationship that’s ended and missing the other person like a lost limb, we’re doing it because all of our thoughts are focused on their absence, and not our own presence.

I loved someone like that. I missed him so much it hurt. I wanted him back in my life for all of the ways that he made it seem brighter and better. The loss was overwhelming because the focus was so much on what I was missing.

When we realize our full worth and accept ourselves for the fabulous beings that we are, we can start to shift our perspective. Just think about that: they lost us. They lost our wonderful selves. They will wake up each day without us in their lives and will miss out on all of the changes we’re going through—some of which were prompted by their loss.

I had a holy sh*t moment when I realized this.

When I was able to change my perspective and realize that the one I missed would be missing me, I had to take a step back. I had to take a moment to sit down. Because I know my value.

Instead of constantly feeling lucky that someone chooses to be with us, we need to remember they’re also lucky if we allow them into our lives. When we start to realize our own value, we can begin to feel the tiniest bit sorry for the ones who don’t choose to share our lives when we’re inviting them to do so.

We come to a point where we realize that they weren’t doing us a favor by sharing our journey. We begin to embrace the fact that they were lucky to have the opportunity to be there with us, and our absence is a loss to them whether they acknowledge it or not. They may not even feel the loss of us, but we can know that they did indeed lose something special.

Sometimes our grief is wrapped up in the loss of who we were inside of that relationship, the way we felt and the magic of falling for someone. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I don’t have a fear of heights; I have a fear of falling. And deeper than that, I have a fear of landing more than falling. Because the fall can be exquisite.

Perhaps we need to fall a little more in love with ourselves.

When our grief for someone else becomes too heavy a load to bear, it may be time to shift our focus inward on all the reasons that we’re a great partner. When we acknowledge and embrace our true value, we can begin to understand that we need to be with the people who understand how wonderful we are and truly want us in their lives. We can also take the time to become the type of partner we’re seeking, if we’re not already there. We can eat well and take care of our bodies, learn new hobbies and embrace every aspect of our lives.

And in the meantime, we can feel a little sorry for any fool who let us go.

On a good day, I feel pretty damn sorry for anyone who chose not to share this life with me. How sad for them! And this isn’t about ego—this is about understanding that maybe we’re a little too wonderful to settle for those who could so easily leave us. We need a love that’s stronger than that, and a lover who’s up to the task of being who we need.

Will this help us let go?

I think so. I think that when we realize that we’re worthy and of extraordinary value, we’ll stop feeling like we’re the only one who’s lost something special. We’ll realize that they, too, lost something beautiful and extraordinary.

And maybe knowing that they’ve lost out when they lost us will help us to let go of them. When we finally let go, we can fall into a deeper love with ourselves and trust that our beautiful journey will lead us toward a love that sees our true worth.


Author: Crystal Jackson

Image: Ryan McGuire/Gratisography & Mildred Pierce/IMDB

Editors: Emily Bartran; Katarina Tavčar

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