July 7, 2016

To My Future Partner: This is How We Won’t Be.

Allef V./Unsplash

I am so excited to meet you.

I’m already looking forward to the magical moments we’ll spend together here on Earth. I am eagerly anticipating all those things about you that are going to drive me wild—your vibe, your smell, your self- awareness, your spiritual curiosity, your positive influence on the those around you, your care for the planet and active pursuit of your passions.

There will be many laughs, emotions, and experiences that we will share. There will be hundreds and thousands of beautiful ways that we will be together—but I also want to tell you how we’re not going to be.

First, I will say I don’t need you. I am a whole person on my own and I don’t need anyone else to “complete” me. (Thanks Jerry McGuire for that self-empowerment statement.) I have my tribe, my hobbies and my personal practices. I don’t need you to be my “other half,” but I do want to share these aspects of my life with you, as another whole person with their own tribe, hobbies and personal practices. Together we will learn, grow and experience new things—both individually and as a couple.

I am not going to try and save you. If I am willing to let my heart guard down to be with you, then I see you as a mature being who knows how to handle your “stuff.” I know how to handle my stuff: my past, my weaknesses, those areas of mine that are still in progress. You will put in the work to save yourself, just like I will, and do.

You aren’t going to try to change me, nor will I try to make you be someone you are not. We are going to love each other for who we are at that point in time; there will never be any subtle suggestions for change or improvement solely to benefit the other person or fill an image in our heads of what each other should be. There will be open-minded discussions in the interest of self-growth and personal expansion, but for our own reasons of wanting to grow. I will not change to make you happy, I will change to make myself happy.

I am not going to lose myself in you. I have done that before, and I’m not willing to give myself up again. I like myself too much to compromise that—correction, I love myself too much to compromise that.

You won’t control me. I am independent and I like doing my own thing. I enjoy “me time” just as much as I enjoy time with you. I will need solitude, girls’ nights and dates with myself and you will not try to tell me when/if I can do these things because you respect my independence and need for space. In turn I will respect yours when you want boys’ nights or to just be alone. I won’t get needy and I’ll understand when you want to do your own thing; I ask the same from you.

There won’t be any jealousy. You understand that I have male friends and acquaintances, and out of the many men whose paths I cross every day, I have willingly chosen to be with you. Other men will be around me and also share time with me, but not the same way you and I do. I understand that you also have many women in your life and I will respect your relationship with them, without accusation, suspicion or jealousy.

And along the lines of accusation—there will be no blame. No blame for things that aren’t going right, no blame for any mistakes we are bound to make. We will both admit fault when it is appropriate, but we certainly will not accuse or blame each other. We are mature, self-aware adults and take responsibility for our actions.

We will not hang up the phone on each other during argument or disagreement, because our communication is going to be clear and respectful. We will do our best to make sure there are as little arguments and fights as possible, but I can’t wait to disagree with you, hear your side and continue to grow together from these different perspectives.

There will be no disrespectful words, name-calling or belittling, even in the most heated of moments. There will be no personal attacks, no words said that we will later try and make excuses for, and absolutely no buttons pushed because we will know each other’s insecurities.

Most importantly, we will not continue to stay with each other because we feel like we “should” be together. When feelings have faded and our connection divides, it will be acknowledged and we won’t delay or deny it because we’re scared of the break up. I will prioritize myself, my self respect, my sanity and my happiness, and I encourage you to do the same.

I am excited for a mature relationship and ready for open communication, growth, and life we will experience together as beings who support each other. It’s going to be passionate, sexy, conscious, mature love. And I thank you in advance for all the beautiful lessons you will teach me.


Author: Elizabeth Gottwald

Image: Allef V./Unsplash

Editor: Katarina Tavčar; Renée Picard

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