August 9, 2016

Mothers: Do Not Tell your Children who to Love.


I have been considering my relationship to my mom and to the men I have brought home.

When I look back on those awkward encounters, it seems clear why I dreaded the mother-boyfriend meetings. It wasn’t the boys—those little rascals. It wasn’t Mom, either. What really takes place in those moments is a combination of signals from everyone, and everyone in our lives before them. Now that I know, I have been able to adjust accordingly, like an emotional chiropractor.

I love my mom. I always have. But right now, I am in love with her. She is to me, the phoenix I have become.

When I look to her, I see the pieces missing in me.

And I want to give her pieces from me, too. Why? Because I have found beauty in the embrace of duality and universality. We must concede that we are each individuals, and simultaneously one with every good and bad thing about those around us.

“Every new beginning,” as Seneca said, “comes from some other beginning’s end.” My mother came from her mother to give to me her wisdom. Impart she did, more love than hurt. As did your mother, as long as you choose to see it from the wise mind—not the hurt one.

Once upon a time, my mother and father fell in love. During that time, Grandma was so far away from it, she could not see love at all. Not for herself, and not for my mom. Instead she rejected this notion and ran away with fear. I came to believe that my mom took it as a message of “I do not love this piece of you.” I feel it was rather that Grandma could no longer love a piece of herself. Soon enough, this spoke volumes to my soul.

Mothers, be careful when you reject the men in the lives of your children, the partners of any kind they are choosing. You say, “I know this is where you believe yourself to be in your life, and the very best you can do. Though I know you can do better, I don’t know how to tell you.” What your children might actually hear is, “I don’t love you.” What they see too is, “I don’t love every man in your life. Perhaps, even, mine.”

Think about that.

When you choose to react to a spouse, partner, boyfriend—realize they are the current reflection of your child’s outlook on their personal life. What you put upon your child is what you actually feel about yourself. If you do not like his hair, her piercings, or whatever that tattoo is, I say be like my mom. When I bring someone home, she does not always at first embrace them. But give her a moment, and in her wisdom she fights her fears, both external and internal, with love. Love for herself and others.

You know what that shows me? A clearer reflection of my own personal beliefs about myself.

Do not worry so much about the choices your children may be making and how it might ruin them. Rather, be mindful about your choices in reacting to their expression of what they believe about themselves. Parents fear their children will not know how much they love them. In this twist of irony, children rarely learn how to love themselves properly.

If you don’t want your daughter or son marrying a confused and aggressive person, I say offer constructive love and support to that person. Wait, and see what happens. If you don’t believe me, you can ask my mama or my dad. They’ll tell you about it.


Author: Natalie Windt

Images: Pixabay.com

Apprentice Editor: Katerina Kan; Editor: Catherine Monkman

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