August 22, 2016

To the Man who Ruined me.

Suraj Baadkar/Flickr

You have completely ruined me.

You have ruined me in the way that the first sip of Dom Pérignon ruins one’s taste buds for cheap champagne.

You have ruined me in the same way that standing before an original Andy Warhol forever diminishes the value of the prints found elsewhere.

You have ruined my taste for the ordinary, because you are anything but ordinary. Once I had a taste of you, I knew I was ruined. You are an extraordinary man and your very presence ignites a fire within my soul. The feeling of your knuckles brushing against mine is enough to weaken my knees and send sparks into my core.

Your honesty tastes like honey on my tongue. Your integrity makes you trustworthy, and there is nothing sexier than a man who can be trusted. In the safety of your integrity, I am able to surrender and to give reign to the wildness within. I peel back my skin and emerge, raw, thundering, glistening under the heat of your gaze.

You have taken the time to explore the layers of my being and have seen me in all of my multifaceted complexity, but have not retreated. When I see myself reflected in your eyes, I see the chaos that resides within my being, and for the first time, I find it beautiful. 

Your passion burns and the flames engulf me, but doesn’t seek to consume or destroy me. I can get lost in you and still retain myself. I never have to dim my light to keep your ego in tact and because you don’t source from me, you don’t rely on me.

With you, I found the courage to release my limitations and to explore unchartered territory. The only guarantee is that this comes with an expiration date, and because we don’t know when that is, it makes the present moment that much sweeter. It has taught me to live my life without expectations, but to allow each moment to unfold as it will. I’ve learned that it is possible to be intimate without exchanging freedom for relationship.

You ruined me by showing me that the things I dared to dream of weren’t impossible. You ruined me by raising the standard for every man who follows the path you forged in the rugged terrain that is me. You ruined me by being brave enough to stand in the fire of my feminine power without shrinking back or demanding that I turn it down. You ruined me by creating space for my wildness, never trying to make me tame or manageable.

Yes, you have ruined me and I’ll never again settle for average, or for normal.

I emerged from the ruin with a new confidence, a deeper understanding and a new-to-me but age-old wisdom that has altered me in countless ways.

You ruined me, and it was the best gift you could have offered.


Author: Lisa Vallejos

Image: Suraj Baadkar/Flickr

Editor: Emily Bartran

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