Last night I dozed off while pleasuring myself.

This is the first time I have actually fallen asleep masturbating—though I have had many evenings in which I planned to masturbate but fell fast asleep instead.

I got the message: I was getting bored with my own body—and perhaps even my own company. Sure, I exercise a bunch, eat sprouts, salad, occasionally meat and drink plenty of water. I take pride in the way I care for my body.

Yet somewhere along the line, I forgot how much fun sex with myself can be.

I recall my first orgasms under a desk in seventh grade. Hormones running high, I have to admit that until recently, those were the best I have ever had. They were burning hot, long and lit up my neurons like dynamite.

Sex with ourselves ought to be mind-blowing. If it isn’t, then perhaps it is time to explore how it can be. Sex with ourselves should also supercharge sex with another, relieving them of the pressure to provide pleasure for us and undoing performance anxiety for both.

Do update your philosophy. 

While philosophers aren’t renowned for their sexual prowess, they do hold an important secret about how to have much better self-satisfying sex: They likely have a good grasp of what it means to have a mind-body problem, and that what the mind wants can make a mess of what the body needs. Where the mind is concerned, it all comes down to philosophy, and our personal thoughts influence the way we treat ourselves, meet the world and masturbate.

Yes, when we set the philosophical bar too high or too low, we aren’t likely to walk through the day with sufficient curiosity. Instead, we are worn out trying to prove or improve ourselves while protecting and defending our philosophy. This is no way to live. When we set the bar just right, having a good understanding of ourselves with regards to sex, work and life, we have the opportunity to stay clearer and more present.

Presence puts the va-va-voom into every kind of sex.

Presence has us enjoy our own company, bite off just the right size challenges and love ourselves.

Self-love can be deliriously hot and orgasmic, offering us just what we need when we need it while providing independent, unilateral, self-sufficient satisfaction.

Self love leads us to being turned on within ourselves, not needy or clingy. It reminds us that our body offers us the sex we deserve. A philosophical makeover can bend our mind toward more pleasurable sex. It has us be better company for ourselves and makes alone time succulent.

A makeover results when we ask questions like: Who am I? What is important to me? What is my purpose in life? Getting curious about these big questions offers interesting, novel answers as we continually redefine ourselves.

Don’t expect new underwear to excite you.

People are more than willing to suggest that fancy underthings will make a difference to our level of arousal—but that is seldom the case in the self-pleasuring business. Just the process of going out and buying fancy underthings for ourselves suggests that we might be harder up than we ought to be.

If it works for you do it, but if there is even a hint that it won’t, don’t bother.

Instead, dress for yourself. Putting a little extra care into how we look to ourselves reminds us that we are important. Appealing to our own vanity may sound silly, but what we wear on the outside influences how we feel on the inside.

The better we feel, the more likely we are to want to feel ourselves more often, excitedly and lovingly.

Do treat yourself with dignity.

Dirty dishes in the sink, un-vacuumed floors or dust all over the petals of the six-month-old plastic daffodils in the dry vase aren’t likely to lead to hot sex with ourselves.

Those McDonald’s wrappers on the floor of your car, the dog hair blocking the cold air return to your furnace and the wilted state of the lettuce in your fridge isn’t foreplay for self-love either.

But treating yourself like a potentate, an important dignitary who is visiting your home will turn you on. Cleaning your car, closet and bathroom is likely to inspire you. It will remind you that though you may not be rich you can take great care of what you have.

Cleanliness is not only godliness: it is foreplay for some self loving and hot sex that you will have with the most amazing person you will ever know.

Don’t just spring clean—keep your surroundings and personal hygiene in top form. It will raise your self-esteem, self-love and desire to court yourself.

Don’t fantasize.

While it is great to fantasize sometimes, doing so all the time distracts us from reality. It makes the unreal real and takes us away from the present. It’s only a very strong, warm, loving person who can get turned on through heightened sensations and personal pleasure without escaping into the visual world of fairy tales and young supple bodies.

If you are that person, congratulations. If you aren’t, it isn’t too late for you. Throughout your day check in with yourself: how do you feel? While it may appear that being around a hot person of the sex you desire turns you on (comma) the turning on takes place inside you. Yes, other people can provide a stimulus for us. But when they do we are distracted from our own pleasure: and become dependent on others for what we can offer ourselves.

This distraction leads us away from personal pleasure and smack dab into dependence and addiction. Fantasies offer fantasy pleasure and hollow satisfaction.

Anything that distracts us from being present robs us of the ability to fully experience our own incredible sensations and leads us away from becoming the master of our own satisfaction.

Do sweet talk yourself

Ragging on ourselves about how we ought to lose a few grams or pounds isn’t foreplay: it is abuse. So is deriding ourselves for not running faster, jumping higher, making enough money or being too tall, short, thin, dumb or unloveable.

Some kind words, the sort you might speak to a pet you love or a relative who is dying are an indicator of how you ought to be talking to yourself.

Pick your words carefully, creatively and innocently. The difference between, “You look hot today” and, “You look like crap today,” is obvious. But the difference between, “You look nice to day” and, “You look hot today” is important too.

Go on a word and phrase scavenger hunt for what you have always wanted to be told. Do this by telling yourself stuff and discovering how you respond. One of the most important things to know about ourselves is how to seduce ourselves with an irresistible compliment.

Learn not only how to give yourself a pep talk but also how to turn up the heat on your sexuality, how to make yourself wet/hard, hot to trot and unwilling to wait until you get into bed to pleasure yourself.

Don’t try and pleasure everybody.

Trying all the time to please other people wears us out. It stretches us thin and leaves us with little attention for ourselves.

Courting and taking care of ourselves is an investment in a satisfying future. I’m not talking about being selfish and excluding others, but I am suggesting that the satisfaction of others isn’t our business. Take care of your business and you will become a shining example of self-love and sexual satisfaction.

Do notice your progress

I don’t fall asleep anymore when masturbating—in fact, I have reclaimed my own personal sex life. I don’t need someone to satisfy me, but I can share my satisfaction with others—and I do.

Sometimes progress shows itself in subtle ways: like smiling a little more, eating one less donut if you usually eat a dozen, or biting into a donut if you normally eat only lettuce. Worrying a little less is a sign of subtle progress too. Other times sexual evolution boldly announces itself with extra/easy orgasms or a groundswell of well-being.

Courting ourselves, seducing ourselves and showering our bodies and minds with attention is foreplay for a life well-lived.

As long as we have one hand, the edge of a couch, or the will to find pleasure, there is no particular reason we shouldn’t be totally sexually satisfied. And when we are, we broadcast that satisfaction, making us more attractive. I’m not just talking about orgasm and ejaculation here: I am suggesting that satisfying stimulation, lots of it, all day and night can create a kind of positive feedback loop—the more we do it, the more self-love we can find in our lives, and the sexier we’ll be to others.

Getting to know ourselves sexually makes us better lovers and better people. It has us open to self-love and radiate that love to others.

 

 

 

 

Author: Jerry Stocking 

Image: Wiki Commons 

Editor: Renée Picard