October 13, 2016

The Ultimate Breakup Survival Kit.

Screenshot from Youtube video

They say that death and taxes are the only constants in life, but I think we can add breakups to that list.

Live long enough, and you’re certainly sure to enjoy the anguish and angst that accompanies a breakup of some kind. When it happens us, we often find ourselves at a loss of how to move forward. However, when it happens to a friend, we can pool our resources and make sure that we prepare for them the ultimate break-up survival kit.

Here are a few of the essentials:

1. Adult curse word coloring book. Nothing says art therapy for healing a broken heart and angry feelings like coloring a**hole or b*tch with gel pens. Perhaps every man reading this just cringed at the idea of gel pens. If so, then use a nice “manly” coloring pencil, but art is certainly therapeutic.

2. Dammit doll. While often mistaken for a voodoo doll, this doll is simply used as an outlet for expressing anger. Instead of beating our own head against a wall or beating our ex’s, simply take the dammit doll, slam it on the nearest available surface while repeating dammit, dammit, dammit. All better.

3. Chocolate. Forgive my lapse in judgment. This clearly should be number one. All friends in crisis need emergency chocolate. And while Hershey’s will do in a pinch, spring for the good stuff.

4. Adult toy. Now, you know your friend better than I so you be the judge of which particular adult toy will suit the occasion. Perhaps your friend is more of a Star Wars Action Figure toy fan. Maybe they’re gratification leans more toward the geek side. No judgments here! When in doubt, a gift certificate to a discreet location is never wrong.

5. Subscription to a dating website. Your friend may be tempted to cycle through the free apps and online dating options available. However, you can always give the gift of dating (although it will rarely feel like a “gift” to your friend when the inappropriate pictures and messages start accumulating in their mailbox).

6. Introduction to your cute single friend. We know you have them. Don’t be shy. When the time is right, arrange that introduction or at least put the idea out there. Then leave it alone. No need to push. It’ll happen or it won’t, but many single people have no problem with the idea of a blind date. You know, as opposed to meeting no one and staying home with Netflix and a pizza.

7. Tissues and/or a comedy film. This one is further down the list because honestly, by the time many of us file for divorce or hit the door in a relationship, we’re past the crying-it-all-out-stage. That’s why there’s the comedy option for those well beyond crying it out. Bring a little laughter, but have those tissues handy. The struggle is real!

8. Body pillow. Filling that space in the bed is easy. A handy body pillow will often be better company than that ex ever was anyway. It’s comfortable for sleeping and can be shoved much more easily to the floor than the ex when we want to reclaim the entire bed for ourselves.

9. Adult beverage. Arguably, this should rank higher too. However, tastes differ. Perhaps your friend needs a six-pack or a decent bottle of wine. Or a night out and a drink. Margaritas for Marriage Mishaps, anyone?

10. Gym membership. Purchase a one-month membership for your friend. Let them boost some endorphins with some good healthy exercise…and perhaps meet a nice, single gym member in the bargain. Hey, it could happen! I’ve never known it to happen in my own time at the gym, but rumors abound that it’s a thing.

Break-ups happen. They’re tough, whether we’re talking long-term relationship, new relationship or even a divorce. We can show up with some humor, but we just need to show up.

I know when I went through my divorce I was completely beyond the need for tissues. And I could provide myself with a number of the other essentials. In the end, through every break-up, the greatest tool in my survival kit were my loyal friends. Their presence. Their understanding of the emotional mess I was in. Their unrelenting support. Their anger on my behalf and their incredible belief in my own strength and worthiness.

It never hurts to show up with the ultimate breakup survival kit. Bring a little lightness to what is always a dark road to walk, and darker still when we have to walk it alone.

So pull out all the stops. Let your friends know that we’re there for them in the darkest of times—to be available, to listen and to sit down and color a bad word right along with them.


Author: Crystal Jackson

Image: Screenshot from a Youtube video

Editor: Katarina Tavčar

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