“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ~ Maya Angelou
I now share my story of addiction and recovery. Of self-imprisonment and freedom. Destruction and rebirth.
The untold story of my life,
It’s burning deep inside me
So miserable, dark and lonely,
My spirit crying to be let free
Please stop the widespread destruction,
My whole being feels it coming.
Again I’m standing at the edge of pain
Away from it I lean outward toward the numbing.
Life hurts too much, I can’t resist, I never could
Now I lie to myself, I sneak, I wheedle,
And again I’m falling falling screaming
To for once resist against the needle.
I want it—no, I don’t
It’s now a war to save my life
The inner battle rages on and on,
Engulfing me in strife.
I’ve completely lost myself in darkness,
While the beast inside me cackles.
I scream, I cry, I fight myself
To be free from my own shackles.
Never, not until I’m dead
The fire lights around me,
The flames they wax and wane
I’m where I’m meant to be.
Miserable, alone, burning in agony and pain
I want to die, I almost do.
Broken, bruised, desperate, weak
Crawling, I beg God to set me free
I claw my way out and glance around
Widespread destruction is all I see.
The ruins of my life laid out
Smoking, smoldering, all gone
With a shudder of relief
I turn my face up to the light
I give my silent thanks to God
For giving me the strength within to fight.
After all, it is just my life.
I drop my head and turn my back
For to live I now must run
Far away from you, my love, my hate
From my destruction and my darkness
And back out into the sun.
I mourn, I cry, I scream for you
My needle and my drugs
To mourn my would-be murderer
Who raped me of my life.
Freedom now finds me full of hope,
Yet so petrified with fear
For I know no life without my dope
Free, yet still in agony.
I find I’m still locked away
This huge fortress built so high
Around a little girl trembling inside
“Stay in here, it keeps you safe”
Lies my ego and my pride.
I scream, I cry, I fight myself,
All I f*cking want is out
To smash these fortress walls
Free from all the worry and the doubt.
The walls are huge, built up sky high
I can’t figure where to start
Erected from the agony, pain, and strife
I’ve borne it all alone, it feels safer far apart.
“Safer,” I say, “But so lonely in the dark”
How do I get out?
How do I let anyone in?
When so damned hard to ask for help it is
Yet another internal battle I must win
For I want to live, I don’t want to die.
Smash them, kick them, break them down
Or chip away slowly piece by piece
Anything, I’ll do anything not to drown.
Help me God, please help me
Please help me build a door
Let me let them help me,
For only with help can I win this war
Gone are the screams, the cries, the fights with self
I’m beaten down on hands and knees
Desperately I dare to take a peek
A glimmer of a light inside as I realize
It’s widespread destruction I now seek
So long overdue
This must be done
I now seek widespread destruction of my walls.
For today I choose my life.
Author: Lindsay Carricarte
Editor: Toby Israel