In case you find yourself in a bar, alone, lonely and desperately seeking company and there is a koala bear sitting on a stool by the bar, or hunched over the juke box, be wary.
Over 90 percent of the koala community has chlamydia. They contract it early on from breast feeding and the entire species is susceptible to it.
Worse yet, if you ignore my warning and take your new friend home, you can’t serve it leftovers. You have to feed it eucalyptus, which is fine if you have some, but I hear that hungry koalas don’t make good company. Eucalyptus is so fatty that your new lover can burst into flames—even a tea candle romantically lit by the side of your bed can result in a flaming disaster. I am not making this up!
This doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends with a koala, but when it comes to intimacy or matches, we should all be careful.
Shaking hands spreads germs, but shaking other parts of the body can actually spread sexually transmitted diseases.
While a hand job may appear to be a quick, safe fix for young libidos, a recent study showed that 11.6 percent of young women and girls who had never had sexual intercourse were infected with at least one strain of HPV.
HPV is a sexually transmitted disease that is most commonly passed between people during vaginal or anal intercourse. But it can also be transmitted through genital-to-genital, or hand-to-genital contact, which is how the participants in the study likely got the virus.
While dry humping isn’t likely to result in pregnancy, it can lead to the spread of herpes. But, keep some clothes on, because even a pair of cotton panties is enough to keep herpes at bay. It is skin to skin contact in the presence of herpes that is dangerous.
When a teen, a friend of mine would strip down to bra and panties, she would let her boyfriend touch her anywhere that didn’t have fabric on it. This lead to hours of sexual exploration, unlimited foreplay and no spread of disease. It might even be a nice present to offer someone special for a birthday or the holidays: the opportunity to really get to know a bodacious, beautiful body—toes, to ear lobes and everywhere else.
I was a waxing virgin when we, a male friend and I, decided it might be nice to wax his very hairy back. What followed was a quick trip to the drug store and then about an hour of screaming agony and a back that didn’t look that much better than before. There, apparently, is a knack to waxing, and I don’t know it.
So, while waxing can hurt when done wrong, it can do so while done right too. But it isn’t likely to transmit sexual diseases unless the waxer double dips into a wax pot, infecting the waxee with a virus from a previous client.
Razors too, the same thing. Sharing a razor with anyone can spread a sexually transmitted disease. It can also inflame your spouse if his baby face meets a razor that has been used on legs or unmentionables. In this day of cheap disposable razors, there is no need to share someone else’s tools.
A little known fact: when a woman cuts herself shaving she will often blame herself, while a fellow will blame the razor, even flinging it across the shower or bathroom and reaching for a fresh one.
I was relieved in Chicago’s O’hare airport to discover long plastic bags that offer a new, clean experience while sitting on a toilet seat.
Seems like some of us have a thing about toilet seats, but doctors tell us that they aren’t likely to spread disease. Any rumors about someone catching crabs or little unseen wigglies on seats is likely more legend than fact.
Our chances of getting any sort of sexually transmitted disease from a toilet seat are very, very small. It appears inanimate objects don’t infect people, people infect people.
The eyes have it
And while it isn’t officially a sexually transmitted disease, if you indulge in the Japanese practice of eye ball licking you can give your partner pink eye and some really weird sensations too. Oddly I’m tempted to try this one, but will first call my friend John, a retired ER doctor for a safety check.
Tanning beds cause cancer, a small price to pay for looking like you just got back from the Bahamas. But be careful, tanning nude after someone who just tanned with HPV can cause disease without the pleasure of sex. If you must tan then please at least keep your underwear on.
Moist towels also offer places for STDs to thrive. Trichomoniasis is especially known for this but only in public places and with little likelihood.
Most sex is safe, and it isn’t difficult to make it a bit safer.
While we may be sexually curious, we don’t have to experience every sort of sexual experience ourselves. We can, in the case of the Cape ground squirrel, take Jane Waterman’s word for it, squirrels are hot and they masturbate a lot.
Below find her description of one squirrel she caught in the act one day in Namibia:
“An oral masturbation was recorded when a male sat with head lowered and an erect penis in his mouth, being stimulated with both mouth (fellatio) and forepaws (masturbation), while the lower torso moved forward and backwards in thrusting motions, finally culminating in an apparent ejaculation…”
We don’t need to keep sex to ourselves the way Cape squirrels do to have safe sex, but we can’t trust appearances either, as cute little cuddly koalas aren’t as innocent as they seem. We might just want to be a bit discerning this holiday season, and for the rest of the year, being careful to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, remaining healthy, happy and sexually clean.
Have fun, and be careful out there!
Author: Jerry Stocking
Image: Hey Paul Studios/Flickr
Editor: Travis May
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