January 10, 2017

The Power of Saying “He’s just Not into Me.”

If you’re reading this, chances are there’s a guy in your life who’s confusing you.

Last year, I went out with this guy. Everything was going well until he disappeared after our fourth date. The last thing I heard from him was, “I’m overworked. I can’t make it tonight.”

His disappearance was okay by me. I liked the guy, but I could survive without him. However, it was confusing.

I spent months trying to comprehend his withdrawal. I carefully went over our dates in my mind to spot where I went wrong, or what I could have possibly done to push him away. I can’t even list the theories I came up with. Eventually, I just accepted the “I’m overworked” line. He was a busy man, leading a busy life, and he might call back when he’s less busy.

A few months later, I saw one of my closest male friends—someone whose advice I really appreciate. He never fails to give me a straight-forward, honest opinion on things. When I told him about that guy, and explained why he might have disappeared, he told me: “Ely, the guy might just not be into you.”

I had a moment of epiphany—it was bittersweet. On the one hand, it was shocking and heartbreaking, but on the other hand, it was relieving. I suddenly felt like all my confusion had been alleviated. That night, I reflected on all the dates and relationships that failed in my life. It was funny to realize that most of those men were just not into me, but I was too weak to admit it. Consequently, I would come up with hundreds of excuses to avoid admitting the guy doesn’t really like me.

I remembered my ex who had commitment issues, the guy who didn’t want to lose my friendship, the one who was so very busy and so forth. Believe it or not, acknowledging that those men weren’t really into me freed me from much confusion and doubt.

The reasons a date or a relationship might fail are plenty, but nonetheless, one of the causes of failure might be that this guy is just not into us. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like us or he’s not interested in us (because why would he ask us out?). It only means he’s not interested “enough.”

To spot someone who’s not into us isn’t arduous. If we put our emotions and hopes aside, we can discern reality as it is and not as we wish it to be. Through a man’s actions, we can tell if he doesn’t really like us.

To name a few: he disappears on you, there’s no consistency in his actions toward you, he makes excuses to not be with you (as being commitment-phobic  or not ready for a relationship), your happiness doesn’t come first for him, he doesn’t share with you intimate thoughts, doesn’t ask about you, doesn’t call after sex, goes out with other women, doesn’t give you any attention, and so forth.

I think the most obvious sign of a man who doesn’t really like us is when we keep questioning it. Because a man who’s into a woman will leave no place for her to doubt.

I know how terrible it is to discern the truth and admit that the guy is not into me.

Call it ego, fear of rejection or perhaps denial, but we’ll rarely admit to it. Even my girlfriends who are still out in the dating world somehow always manage to find excuses for guys who aren’t into them.

Some of us are just too scared to be alone or single. The rest of us might be scared we won’t find another guy we like as much (which was my case). No matter what the reason is, there’s always resistance—we resist the truth.

There are some men I’ve dated (and even entered relationships with) who simply weren’t that into me. And I’m not referring to something unusual here—it’s quite normal. And when we don’t like someone enough, we don’t voice it, but it shows through our actions.

Once we realize someone is not that into us, freedom kicks in. Just a few weeks back, a girlfriend of mine told me about a guy she was seeing who’d canceled on her three times already (and also told her about another girl he likes). I told her the same line my friend told me, “I think he’s not that into you.” She had the same epiphany as mine and actually was relieved to know this.

Being alone is hard, but being with someone who doesn’t deserve us is even harder. And after the freedom comes a degree of confidence in knowing that we deserve a man who is into us. And we will meet that man eventually, but we need to make space for it, so whenever I discern a man displaying the same old methods used in my past failed relationships, I take the first exit.

It is true that sometimes we don’t consciously choose the wrong people in our lives, but we do consciously accept them. Wait for that man who’s so into you that he won’t make you doubt for one second whether he likes you or not.

It’s okay if a few men weren’t into us—it doesn’t mean we’re not worthy, pretty, smart or f*cking goddesses. It just means that this man has different values than ours, and he’s simply not the one for us.

Oh, and by the way, a few weeks back I bumped into that guy who’d disappeared on me. We conversed for a few minutes, then I told him I had to go. I smiled, and said to myself, “he was just not into me”—and I went off and had one hell of a night with my friends.



Author: Elyane Youssef

Image: Author’s own

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

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