March 18, 2017

I Love You. I Want You. But I am Not Ready to Be with You.

“I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side.” ~ Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes


I recently read an article where the author was saying that if someone loved and wanted to be with someone else, then they would make the effort to be with them.

That simply isn’t always true.

Love runs passionately through my veins for you. But I am not yet ready.

I see you; I hear you; I feel you, and I want every raw fiber of you close to me. But I know that I am not ready.

They say that love makes people foolish, and at times, I have been foolish in the pursuit of love. But I would be more of a fool if I sacrificed everything I have worked toward to dramatically u-turn and make my way to you.

I will never forget the impact that hit me the moment I realized I loved you and the unforgettable chill that came with knowing that for a billion complex, rational reasons the time was not quite right.

I know there are some out there who say that if it’s a paradox and if it’s the right person, it will automatically be the right time—but I believe that is naïve and somewhat foolish.

True love does not limit or define itself in that way; it does not fit neatly in a box.

I don’t want to have to compromise my dreams or goals to be with you, and I don’t want you to have to sacrifice and give up half of your meticulously mapped out life just so that you can be with me.

We are half-a-world apart from one another, and we know there is so much more to what we share than merging to achieve physical togetherness.

I love you enough to leave you wild, careless, and free. I love myself enough to wander aimlessly without fretting that our desire for solitude would unsettle and torment the tenderness in one another’s unconventional hearts.

We trust in this love, so we never need to ask who, what, or why.

We don’t have to know what time, where, when, or if we will ever return.

Our faith is strong and we are doing whatever our souls currently need us to do.

I have fears, insecurities, and storms that unearth me at times, so I first need to know myself and calm my tremors before I fully open myself to you.

I don’t want to pull you into my world while there is disharmony here. I don’t want to rush headlong and risk destroying something so pure just because I cannot control instant, gratification-seeking desires.
I feel empty when you are not nearby—and that is why I first need to fill the voids within me.

My heart wants to grip so tightly to yours—and that is the why I fight hard against my will, so that I leave you be and you can breathe.

I want to pour every single part of me into building a life with you—and that is why I stay far away, focusing instead on pouring vital life into me.

This physical separation is not because we are unable to accept one another, or ourselves, as we are. I would tend to every wound and honour every battle scar we’ve both endured, and I have no fear of seeing or showing what’s hiding deep within.

But I also know I haven’t yet calmed my rebellious chaos or quelled my insatiable thirst for mystery, magic, and adventure. I yearn for the unknown, and I crave the indefinable sensations that are felt while walking the lone wolf route alone.

And some may say this is selfish, self-centered, or maybe uncaring, and they might even say that it most certainly cannot be love.

But I feel different.

I couldn’t love you more than I do. I couldn’t want you more. I couldn’t need you more.

But I also could not be entangled in something with you without losing every trace of me.

I’m on a journey—strengthening, stretching, and growing. It may take a day, a year, or it may take one hundred more lifetimes before we meet. But, I’m more than prepared to reassure my impatient, manically beating heart so that it learns.

Love does not need rules or regulations to be real. It doesn’t need definitions, marriage licenses, commitments, or vows to the gods above to prove to a thousand bystanders that it’s strong and true.

Love has no ideal. Love has no restrictions. Love most certainly does not possess or own.

I do not need to call you, “My… something or other” just to declare to my unruly mind that you are important to me or to silence the disbelievers by showing that I care.

I know I love you. I know I want you. I also know that as I stand here now, I am nowhere near ready to be with you, and I don’t want to commit to something that isn’t quite right for us.

Some people say they were born to be with one another, while tragically I believe that we were born to love one another and be apart.

I need to love you from a distance; I also need to be loved that way.

Although I achingly want to be there with you, I know that what I want right now isn’t always what I need.

We have our own unusual, secret, foreign language of love. It is an enigma even to you and me, so I don’t expect anyone else to understand.

Just know that although I am not quite ready to be with you, it does not mean I do not love you, want you, or feel painful tremors because we are apart.

For now, I carry a fragment of your heart in my pocket.

We aren’t together, but it most definitely doesn’t mean that we do not want to be or that we do not love.




Author: Alex Myles

Image: Flickr/barnimages.com

Editor: Travis May








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