March 20, 2017

I Would have Loved Him Better than You Do.

 “That’s what true love is. Always wanting someone to be happy, even if that doesn’t include you.” ~ Unknown 


I would have loved him better than you ever could.

“Better” is an illusion of perception and opinion, so perhaps that isn’t the word my heart truly means. Maybe it’s just that I would have loved him more deeply, more authentically—in a fireflies-on-a-summer-night kind of way.

I would have loved him into forever.

I’d love him through his bad days, mistakes, and the moods that make others question his motives. I’d never question him, for when we can see someone’s soul, there isn’t any reason to question their intentions.

I would have loved him on gray mornings, foggy from life, while finding it hard to get out of bed for another day. I would love him through winter snows and the eroticism of a midsummer thunderstorm, where our fast-paced breath seems to match that of the winds outside.

I would have loved him through it all.

I don’t think that I am better than you. We each are beautiful and full of grace in our own way. There isn’t a part of me that doubts that you love for him—because I know you do. However, I’ve seen the way you look at him, yet still remain blind to who he really is. You see him—who he is and what he could be for you—but you don’t see his soul.

It’s not your fault, or mine, or his—it’s just the way that it is. But while I can see his soul, it’s still your love that he chooses. It’s about the pieces of life that can add up to a logical conclusion, and I’ve never been an answer that makes sense—perhaps that’s been part of the problem all along.

I would have loved him so deeply, he would have found himself actually believing in magic.

Nothing about me or what blooms between us makes any sort of rational sense—at least not to those who don’t understand the language of our souls. But sometimes, certain bets are just too great to take. Sometimes, leaving just becomes easier than figuring out how to stay.

But now, the only thing my soul sings is simply that I would have loved him better than you do.

Not because of some superficial, ego-driven reason—but because the love I have for him comes so naturally, it’s impossible to stop the flow. It’s futile to try to divert these waves of love and desire, because they always seem to find their way to him—not because I chose him, but because my soul did.

I would love him in ways that you can’t even comprehend.

Only I can provocatively fondle his intelligence, allowing him to grow through his own awareness—his blooming consciousness—until he’s surpassed his own expectations.

I would love him through all of the lifetimes we have already shared together—and into whatever the future may hold.

He isn’t the man you think he is, because there isn’t any way that you’re able to see him when you’re too busy trying to change him into something he’s not. You see his shell, and the way your own expectations create a rosy tint of beliefs about the kind of life you should be living. It’s not wrong when that’s what your vision allows, and maybe that’s what he wants too.

Because it’s never easy to choose a love so great, it would change a life entirely.

Sometimes we can’t “just flip it”—no matter how much we want to.

It’s painful for me to know that you’ll never be able to love him like I could—because in my eyes, he deserves nothing less. Still, it’s not my choice—and if that’s what he wants (or needs) in order to be happy, then my only job is to support him—not to try to prove to him why he’s wrong.

Even though I know I could love him better, if he doesn’t see that, then there isn’t anything for me to do. If he can’t feel that difference, then my words don’t truly matter. Love is what we do, not what we say—and while I know that no one can love him like I do, I also can’t force him to see that.

The only thing I can do is to simply love him—because it’s the one thing that comes as naturally to me as taking my first breath each hopeful, new morning.

Loving him has never been something that I have to work at. It’s not something I have to sacrifice myself for or give up anything to achieve—in fact, the more I love him, the more I seem to love life in general.

Maybe that is the kind of love that I am talking about—the kind of love that simply makes us feel better than anything else. He makes me better. He inspires me and enriches my soul in ways that let me radiate more love and light out into the world. He loves me better than anyone else ever has or ever could.

So maybe it is your love that he will choose, and perhaps it will be your arms that he comes home to each evening, but even that can’t change the fact that not only would I love him better—but I already do.

And there isn’t anything that can change a truth so deeply rooted—not even time.

“Find someone who traces the lines in your hands just to feel close to you, and someone who believes the ocean is trapped in your eyes. Find someone who loves the bones in your body and loves the skin you live in. Find someone who will help you love yourself.” ~ K.B.G




Author: Kate Rose

Image: Public Domain

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

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