Four years ago, my partner and I made an important decision to stop hiding from each other.
We made the decision after reading Cosmic Chocolate Orgasm by Jayem Hammer. The book addressed everything I had been feeling, yet was afraid to say.
Who would want to tell their partner of 16 year that they were attracted to someone else?
Yet, we are human, and feelings arise. In our world we are often taught to suppress, deny or lie about the most natural sensation that arises—attraction.
It started with a phone call. He was at work and I said, “You may want to divorce me for this, but I am sexually attracted to someone else. I don’t know what this means, and I don’t want us to separate.”
At this point tears started rolling down my face, and a lump arose in my throat.
“I just want to be able to tell you the truth. I don’t want to feel wrong anymore. I’m enjoying the feelings. I feel like a teenager again. I love you, and feel confused by all of it.”
“Hello?” I said.
Silence—and then, “Let me hang up and call you back in about five minutes.”
That was the longest five minutes of my life.
When he called back, I was shocked at his response. He said, “Lauren, I love you. Thank you for telling me the truth. If you feel like you need to do something with someone else, I’ll be waiting for you when you get back. Always follow your heart. I trust that part of you.”
My jaw dropped. I felt the deepest love for him wash over me.
It wasn’t that I actually needed to make love to someone else—I wanted to feel free. That feeling of freedom we can lose once we have been with someone for many years. I couldn’t help what I felt, although when I kept it secret, it felt dark and distorted.
As soon as I loved myself enough to to tell the truth about what I was feeling, and step through the gnawing fear, was when I was met with pure love from him.
We are closer than ever. We are like flirty teenagers, simply because I allow myself to feel, and he allows himself to feel. Sometimes sexual feelings arise for others. When I am able to view it with innocence, it’s playful and sweet. I can breathe deeply and feel deeply, and thank God that I am alive.
Sexuality, in an awakened state, would be entered into only as the result of prayerful appreciation, not of the other, but of God, so that the body relaxes and is surrendered into the Awakened Mind, that then allows Holy Spirit to inform how another is touched, how another is spoken to, as well as how sensitively another is received—always informed by the perception that the mind is seeing in the other their perfect innocence and is expressing its acceptance, its whole acceptance of the other. ~ Cosmic Chocolate Orgasm.
Recently, while in Jamaica, I sat on the balcony overlooking the ocean, and what came to me was this:
A holy relationship is when I am unattached to anyone or anything. I am married to God. Every being that I see is the beloved, not just my partner.
Love sets all beings free. Although it is true, certain people feel more deeply than others. When those feelings come, see them as innocent. Breathe deeply and ask, “What is this moment for?”
When we live in wonder and listen closely, the answer comes.
Sexual energy is pure creative energy. The more we awaken, the lighter we feel. We feel blissful and connected to all beings.
Sexual energy creates. Sexual energy is not always expressed through sex. Maybe it’s a new business, maybe it’s a dance with a friend, maybe it’s a hug—maybe it’s a sweet kiss.
Our egoic self loves to grab a hold of the idea of freedom and run with it. “I’m free now—what’s in it for me?”
The key is breathing deeply into the belly and relaxing. Notice when feelings arise. Is the feeling for getting? Or is it for giving?
“God, You alone are my breath. I am your eternal student, breath by breath by breath,” is a prayer I use.
The deepest truth we all yearn for and yet already have, is freedom. Our deepest desire is to extend beautiful creations effortlessly. The way we can achieve this is to relax through meditation, or through radical enquiry to help get the mind and all our stored up fears or guilt out of the way. When we are in relaxed presence and can allow that oneness to move through us, we are able to observe miracles leading the way.
When we finally trust our heart enough to be transparent and tell the truth, the deepest truth, we discover a grace that we have been carrying all along.
Love has been carrying us and knows the way. We may have been too fearful to trust it.
May we all know and remember our innocence together.
Author: Lauren Lewey
Editor: Lieselle Davidson