May 25, 2017

How a Break-Up can Make us More Conscious.

I know it hurts.

In the shaky tenderness of a freshly broken heart, everything is intensified. The volume is amped up. Confusion, agony, loss, longing, disbelief, and maybe even relief swirl through our veins at the very same time.

Emotions run wild. Our minds race.

We sit on the edge of this pain, deep in a smoky reverie of thought, for it is yet another relationship unravelled, and we are left to sort through the wreckage—the sweet and bitter memories—as our salty tears land on the floor.

It hurts, there is no denying that.

But, if we look beyond the pain, which is so real, I know—there are blessings we must be open to.

There is growth that is juicy and wild—and meant just for us.

There is magic. There is even joy.

Maybe at first, it all feels like a giant failure—a tragedy—but so often these things we think are tragedies are actually miracles in their own strange, beautiful way.

So be open to miracles. Because miracles wrapped in pain are still miracles.

Because the breaking apart of a relationship is not just sadness—it can actually make us more conscious.

In other words, it can wake us the f*ck up.

The key is in the shock. The lightning bolt that is not soft or pretty. It is loud and blazing, crackling through the sky of our hearts with the power of a God. It literally blows our minds. Our jaws hit the floor and our hearts skip a beat, for in a mere matter of moments, everything changes significantly. Maybe we thought we would spend the rest of our lives with this person we loved madly—and now, that story is burned to ash. That sweet ending we thought was written in permanent ink—no longer exists. Poof! It disappears into thin air.

As awful at it is, as much as it feels like being slapped in the face, the burning icy hotness of this shock can split open the tightly woven-together matrixes of our routines and current realities.

It throws a wrench into everything and blasts us out of our comfort zones.

And yes, it royally sucks—but this is a good thing.

Because without our beloved there by our side—we find that the details of our days are different. Change is forced upon even our most stubborn of habits…

Something sweet or funny or sad happens, and we nearly grab the phone to call our beloved and divulge all the details and be wrapped in their warmth.


We can’t.

At 6 p.m., our ears reach for the old, comforting, crunching gravel sound of our former love pulling into the driveway for dinner.


They don’t come.

Shock travels through our entire bodies and breaks open our cells. We sob. It hurts so deep in our lungs.

This is valuable.

Because what is automatic—is unconscious. 

And the shock shifts everything inside us that was operating on autopilot. Like a program running unnoticed in the background, it was comfortable, maybe not even healthy or working very well—but it was familiar.

But when we move away from what is comfortable, automatic, and familiar—that’s when waking up happens.


Waking up happens when we step into the mystery. When our routines are blown to bits and we leap into the thundering chaos of spontaneity. Into the boundless fruit of not-knowing, even if it is embossed in tears.

It is dark, but we can bloom there. It forces us to step up, to reach out to new people, to taste the richness of new experiences, and do all those really awesome things we always said we wanted to do—but never actually did.

Goodbye, default. Goodbye, to operating in autopilot. There is such great beauty in this crumbling—and incredible grief, too.

Let it out, dear soul. You will be okay—in fact, I would argue that you already are.

Because this is not just a break-up—there is nothing so mundane about anything. It’s an alchemical opportunity to create more consciousness. To steep in the brisk, fantastic waters of transformation. To embody ourselves fully.

It can be a cleansing, a re-wiring of everything in our hearts and brains.

And it hurts, I know. It feels so weird to be separated from our former love, the cord that used to connect our hearts so closely is now snapped—and in its place—empty space. This is the second ingredient to our becoming more conscious—


We can call it emptiness or loneliness. We can call it the vast, thudding throes of seemingly endless yearning or longing or uncertainty. But when a relationship ends—new space is created. It’s like an earthquake that rumbles inside us: the ground shakes and reveals cracks. But hidden inside those cracks—wildflowers. Truth. Who knows what gems are there, waiting for you to explore and taste…

Don’t underestimate the power of spaciousness.

Expand into it, with courage and grace.

It aches, for the space itself feels impossible, it haunts us like a ghost sometimes. But it’s the way that the pain makes us strong. For perhaps we thought we couldn’t even face a weekend alone, without our lover by our side—but we did it.

We didn’t know we had it in us. But we do.

In the midst of breaking up, old textures are broken down. They crunch and twist, but there is great magnificence in this. There is great opportunity for empowerment here.

We blow past old limitations and blow open our bullsh*t. We release fear, self-doubt, shame, and pitying ourselves.

We can wake up.

We can bloom into a confident, grounded way of being that is timeless and lasts forever.

And soon, we are soaring into the arms of our Selves. We are bounding to the sweet songs of our destiny. To the secrets of our hearts. We are cherishing the pearl of who we really are.

Let change sweep in, even it’s painful as f*ck—let it be a death to all that no longer serves you. Let it cleanse your heart, every tear a river that brings you closer to the beauty you truly are.

Let transformation bless you, even if its lessons are harsh and brutal.

Let truth seep inside you, even if it’s bitter—and reveal to you why this love didn’t work out.

Because as we face the darkness, there will also be moments so filled with light and life that we can’t even imagine them yet.

That incredible light is within us, which brings us to another ingredient in this potent recipe that is so easy to forget about—our Selves. 

Because we can make a break-up all about the other person—how great they were, how much hope and potential we saw in them, how much we miss them, what they’re doing now.

Or we can take our power back. We can redirect that energy. 

And we can make it about our Selves.

Our souls.

Our freedom.

Our shaky, messy, beautiful evolution.

Our barreling towards the ripe heaven of authenticity.

Our exploration of our passions, dreams, and purpose.

It’s our choice.

We have power, even when we’re in pain.

This is our time. Claim it.

Feel the sun grace your cheeks, feel the wind dry your tears, and smell honeysuckle imprinted in the breeze. Let it speak to you all the infinite possibilities that are now available to you.

And know that it is perfect.

This messiness. The pain. The longing. The desperation. The healing. The fragmented shards of fresh hope.

The shock shifts everything. The spaciousness opens everything. Re-connecting with our Selves is so fiery and sweet. Last but not least, it’s the surrender that wraps it all together in a power-punch to catapult us to new heights of consciousness and wide open fields of daffodil-dotted freedom.


We bow down to truth of what is.

Our expectations and hopes for this love now lie dead on the ground. But it is natural. They are simply being composted so that luscious new fruit can grow.

“Trust,” the sky whispers to us in the really difficult moments. So we do.

We somehow find the strength to let go, even if we don’t know how, even if it don’t think we can. We pray madly to the universe, we cry, our hearts pried open—and we are washed clean in a deepening of faith. We feel the screaming terror of unclasping our hands from the thing we were grasping—and finally, we sense how good it is let go…even just a little bit…

Our muscles moan in exasperated relief. We are wrapped in a thousand exhales, like the fiercest breeze.

We see that we don’t have to strain. If this love is meant for us, then it will come back and make itself apparent. Otherwise, it’s onward and upward, my dears.

Make the most of this time. It is just for you.

It’s painful, yes—but it’s also potent.

Please don’t forget that, dear soul.

It is unknown.

So many gifts wait for us in the unknown.

Here’s to beauty blooming from brokenness and tears. To boundless freedom. To soul-deep, all-encompassing growth. To splashing joy and curiosity in the wide-open mystery, like mermaids.

Here’s to all that awaits us, when we zoom out and realize that within a break-up, lies the power to wake up.

To craft a new life—one that is pure and true, and resembles the brilliance we are.

This golden opportunity, should we decide to take it—benefits not just us—but everyone. It benefits the entire world.

It’s painful, yes—but it’s also potent.

Please don’t forget that, dear soul.

We can wake up. 

We can step into fantastic changes. 

And it may not be comfortable—but it will be beautiful.

It will be beautiful in a gritty way, like a lotus coming up from the mud and tasting the sweetness of sunlight for the first time.


Author: Sarah Harvey
Photo: Pixabay
Editor: Sara Kärpänen

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