This is a Product Review. Waylon received these shorts gratis, but is free to be as critical and honest as he likes. Elephant is always honest with our readers, which tends to piss off sensitive companies that invest a lot in PR. ~ ed.

Okay, so this title is pure clickbait: there is no photo of me known to Man, or Woman, of me in these shorts. But! I do look incredibly sexy in them—you’ll have to take that on faith, ye of little…faith.

But seriously, these shorts are great. They’re from my-favorite-company Patagonia, an independent, Small Giant, eco-minded, highly-transparent company that we all worship.

One pair is long, and crazy loud, and I love it, though I generally love short crazy-loud shorts.

Patagonia Men’s Wavefarer® Board Shorts – 19″

And one pair is shorter, though still too long, but simple, and just so classic, and classy, that it almost makes me seem classy.

Patagonia Men’s Light & Variable® Board Shorts – 18″

Both are comfortable. Both can be fixed forever under Patagonia’s awesome promise to its customers—in case, like me, you tend to get in serious surfing accidents and something goes awry.

Both are vaguely eco: the board shorts are “made of durable, quick-drying nylon (38% recycled) with a DWR (durable water repellent) finish and 50+ UPF sun protection. Fair Trade Certified™ sewing.” Fair-trade is super important stuff, if you believe in supporting a kinder planet. The shorter pair are “made of fast-drying and superlight 100% recycled polyester with 2-way mechanical stretch, a DWR (durable water repellent) finish and 50+ UPF sun protection. Fair Trade Certified™ sewing.” The only thing more eco: secondhand, or organic natural fibers. But that these are fair-trade, in part, is, again, just awesome, and the kind of attention to ethics that keeps me as a loyal, avid, big-mouthed Patagonia fan.