Our relationships hold the clues for moving forward in our personal lives.

I found myself in a dark space, yearning for my partner’s love and attention, for his time and presence in our relationship. He spent a lot of time at work and I was dealing with stressful changes in my life. I told him I needed him to listen to me, that I didn’t feel heard or cared about.

I started to feel like the time we did manage to have together didn’t feel the same as it used to, there was no connection, there was something missing.

Turns out what was missing…was me.

Our world is a reflection of us; we create our reality through our thoughts and feelings—the infallible “law of attraction.”

There is no exception within our relationships. In fact, this is where we take some of our biggest learnings, because our relationship with our partner is a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves.

Our experience in our relationship is based on the way we view ourselves and our lives. We see our relationship through our subconscious fears, pains, beliefs, and internal dialogue. It is a clear signal of how well we’re looking after ourselves physically and emotionally.

In order to grow in all areas of our lives, we have to take a look at what we feel about our relationship—this will tell us what we need to know about ourselves.

I felt really unheard. I felt like he didn’t care about me. I felt as if he just didn’t see my pain. No matter what I did or said, I just couldn’t seem to get through to him. My message would be received wrong on the other end and it would cause conflict. I would be left feeling disappointed and heartbroken that I was not nurtured like I needed to be.

It didn’t seem to matter what actions he took or words he said, I could not register it as love. It made sense in my mind that he was providing for me—doing everything he could to understand what I needed, but my heart just couldn’t register it as love.

It wasn’t until I stepped back and realized that it wasn’t him who stopped listening to me and caring about me. It was me who stopped nurturing myself. I wasn’t present in my own life. I was so fixated on all of my problems that I worked myself into a state of stress and anxiousness where I checked-out of my heart and moved completely into my mind, climbing deeper and deeper into the hole.

How could I possibly receive and feel love in my heart when I was not actually connected with my heart? All I had the capability to do at the time was interpret actions and words with my mind, but my heart could not register the love.

We cannot (and will not) receive love from someone else until we love ourselves. I was not nurturing myself. I was not looking after myself. I let the stress build up and let go of my inner and outer self-care.

I wasn’t hearing myself. I wasn’t listening to the voice that was telling me to meditate to quiet my mind, to do yoga to center myself and my emotions, to walk in nature to slow down and connect with the earth.

How could I possibly notice the love and presence of my partner when I was not present in my own life? It wasn’t him that was distant—it was me.

As soon as I released my blame of the external world and explored my emotions within, I moved my body back into a state of peace through meditation and yoga and became present in my actions and feelings again.

This enabled me to be present in my relationship and feel the love and care my partner was providing me. It also enabled me to provide him with some much needed love too.

Our partners are just a mirror—reflecting back what we are giving to ourselves and the relationship.

Take some time to reflect—what are your prominent feelings in your relationship right now? If you moved the blame off of your partner and took responsibility for your emotions, what could you discover about yourself?
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Author: Jessica Ireland 
Image: Kukuh Himawan Samudro/ Unsplash
Editor: Danielle Beutell
Copy Editor: Leah Sugerman
Social Editor: Yoli Rammazina