When it comes to manifesting or creating a life that I desire, I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty good at it.
Whether it’s finding and buying my dream car, transitioning from one business to another, or finding the money for a holiday I’d love to take—whatever it is, once I really feel in my body that I want it, I get it. And whenever I plan for the process to take a year or two, it happens within a week or two.
The speed and accuracy with which it happens doesn’t really freak me out (anymore), although I am genuinely surprised each and every time the whirlwind whips up around me and waves its magic wand.
So manifesting is my forte, you could say—except when it comes to my love life.
This is the area where I seem incapable of getting it right. I can manifest a man alright; just not a good one.
Before you ask, yes, I have done everything I am “supposed” to do to manifest Mr. Right. I have re-programmed my reticular activating system and created a long list of qualities I desire in a guy. I’ve put myself out there and told my friends I want a relationship. I’ve allowed myself to be set up, and I’ve endured the online dating world. I’ve even dropped to my knees and prayed to the universe, to God, to anyone who’s bloody listening that I’m ready!
And while I’ve met plenty of Mr. Wrongs, Mr. Almosts, and Mr What-The-Hell-Was-I-Thinkings, Mr. Right still has yet to show up.
Where have I gone wrong? What critical step had I missed in the manifestation recipe?
Oh right, that one—I’d been forgetting about becoming the sort of person I would like, the person I would want to chill with on a Saturday night and Sunday morning. The Mrs. Right to my Mr. Right, so to speak.
And I think this is a critical step in correcting what’s wrong in today’s dating world—we put the focus and energy outside of ourselves, but we don’t always do the work on the inside parts that need be ready for such an epic partnership.
To settle in a relationship is easy. Trust me—I know, I’ve done it. This doesn’t take any personal growth or transformation.
But the rock-you-to-your-core, life-changing, once-in-a-lifetime kind of love? That requires us to show up! It requires us to take the skeletons of past lovers out of the closet and face each one of them.
It means we need to look our deepest fears and insecurities in the eye and say whole-heartedly: “You’re a lie, and I don’t believe you anymore!”
This kind of love requires us to dive in and become the kind of person who recognizes just how special we are as individuals first. We need to make ourselves a priority and do the activities we love doing on a regular basis without feeling selfish.
This kind of love needs us to be complete within ourselves first so we don’t destroy it with the awful co-dependency that comes when we look for someone else to complete us.
If we can’t look ourselves in the eye, love every imperfection we see, and know that we are worthy of every ounce of earth-shattering joy, then how can we ever expect to appreciate it, much less recognize it when it arrives?
This work requires us to take a little time out from the dating scene to face our own biggest critic—ourselves.
Instead of looking for someone to go on dates with, I took myself out. I mean, if I’m not willing to spend my time and money on me, why would anyone else?
How have things changed, you might ask?
When I meet a guy who clearly isn’t right for me now, instead of trying to force a square peg into a round hole so I’d have someone to cuddle with on cold winter nights, I recognize them for who they are: Mr. Distraction, Mr. Temptation, or Mr. Too-Scared-for-A-Real-Relationship. No matter which way I spin it, they aren’t Mr. Right.
I’ve also become comfortable saying no to all these men. I see them for who they are now, not who they might be in the future—when they get over themselves, are ready to settle down, and finally realize I’ve been standing in front of them all along. And while some of them have been genuinely lovely people, trying to push that change along is nothing but a waste of time for them and me. Not to mention, I only end up feeling and sounding like their nagging mother…which isn’t really how you want to start a life together.
Whether you believe in “the universe” or not, the truth of the matter is, we always get what we think we deserve. But saying a positive affirmation every morning isn’t enough to convince anyone you think you’re worthy. The universe will truly test our commitment to our wholeness, our readiness for the epicness that awaits. It’ll do so by seeing how well we cut through the distractions, time-wasters, and men who attempt to rattle our confidence.
Holding out for genuine, earth-shattering love is the highest form of loving ourselves. It shows an absolute faith, trust, and surrender in ourselves and what is to come.
And that’s the final key to manifesting the love you’ve been waiting for.
Author: Tiffany Toombs
Image: Queensland State Archives/Flickr
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Copy Editor: Callie Rushton
Social Editor: Waylon Lewis