Life is not what we think about it, and I mean that literally.
The thinking mind is often disconnected from the reality of our experience, and this is most obvious to me in human relationships.
Take a breakup, for instance. It is only our idea of what the relationship was that is truly dying when we break up. Nothing is fundamentally changing, other than time spent perhaps. We were two different energy fields, and for a little while these energy fields moved in accordance until it was clear that they weren’t meant to. This is all that’s truly happening, yet we create these stories about ourselves and the other person that make breakups a thousand times harder.
It is human nature to tell stories; that’s what our thoughts do. Though sometimes, the stories we tell have virtually no connection to what’s actually happening. It’s simply the wrong story to be telling.
What I’ve realized is that nothing is ever truly lost—it’s just that life is constantly changing. We interpret the change through the lens of “loss,” which takes us away from learning and growing through the change. Some changes are more painful than others, but change is still change—and pain is just intense feeling.
Change is natural, and so is pain. It is our resistance to these things that creates unnecessary and long-lasting suffering—and that resistance is born from our thoughts. The proclivity of our thoughts to make false stories out of the seeking of momentary pleasure and the avoidance of momentary pain is what compels us to resist the reality of our experience.
Never say “loss,” say “change” instead. It comes with a completely different feeling and a completely different story. It’s better for everyone when we say this because this phrase is more connected with the truth of human life. Nothing is ever lost, my friends. Every experience we ever had is burnt into eternity. It stays with us—everything we feel we have lost. The profound suffering that comes with a big change in our personal lives is that we call it a loss—as though something has gone away.
Nothing is really gone. Just an idea. An attachment. A story.
Stay with the change. If it’s pain, it’s pain. If it’s joy, it’s joy. If it’s love, it’s love. We can’t try to hold on to it and make it ours. The feeling doesn’t belong to us—it belongs to the universe that we’re a part of. Relationships don’t belong to us either; they are beyond our control.
We can’t create connection by attaching ourselves to the idea of someone—we can only foster a connection by being honest with ourselves and the other person. That’s it.
Author: Samuel Kronen
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
Copy Editor: Nicole Cameron