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August 23, 2018

Spiritual Bypassing

In the new age spiritual movement of well-meaning cons, egoists, and opportunists, there is an indoctrination where the victim of poor behaviour or bad choices is shamed.

I was recently told I was judging and projecting when I questioned what was going on. I had messaged someone a few times and they simply did not respond for months.


I was doing them a favour, spending money on this, and being  inconvenienced— the respectful thing to do would have been to respond to me. Not responding is simply not respectful. If the concept of exhibiting poor manners is a “judgement,” so be it. I was educated to have ethics and to care about other people, and at the minimum to conduct myself in a polite way.

If being impolite is acceptable, yet calling people impolite is a “judgement,” I don’t know what sort of world we live in. Everything is upside down.

Now every time someone coughs without putting their hand in front of the mouth, goes to the toilet in public, drops something on top of someone, is it judging them if you think, “how impolite?”

In this post-modern new age, judgements are not allowed apparently. Left is the opposite of right and hence a judgement. Right is the opposite of left and therefore an imposition. Up is far from down, and therefore a judgement too. And it makes me feel uncomfortable when you say “outside”—it’s cold and detached. Inside is okay, as that’s where I live!

Perhaps we should just live in a gravity-free universe.

The thing is we don’t. Earth has rules. Earth has physical laws that govern our life in this dimension.

All of these are technically “judgements.”

Even gender has become so amorphous, it’s like can you even find a man or a woman these days? In this nebulous new age post-apocalyptic apocalypse, non-guru gurus and post-guru goddesses selling their wares on street corners, have decided that “judgement” means you are a bad person. If you judge people, you are not spiritual (like them).

Someone even wrote a book called Judgement Detox. I wonder what she did with the reviews!

Is integrity out of fashion? And is calling people out on not respecting other people a judgement? According to that thinking, life is a free-for-all and any time you hurt other people, you should be allowed to get away with that as otherwise you would be “being judged” and we don’t want that apparently.

All form is decision, a vantage point. As in a judgement. Where can you find a place where polarity doesn’t exist?

We all make mistakes (let’s face it the majority of people around you literally “are mistakes!” – it’s OKAY to be human. In my universe, what is not okay is blaming others or worse – attacking overtly or subtly or just being passive aggressive – or ignoring people (being unresponsive). The cold shoulder treatment seems the most common way people deal with something they’re uncomfortable with, by simple NOT DEALING with it.

It’s like ignoring the problem will just let it go away. How is this “spiritual?” And in relationships and with communication, often this does work. Relationships don’t operate when people don’t communicate. They simply fizzle out, go dry or reach a dead-end. If two people connect, the relationship can only be as stronger as the weaker link (the person who connects the least).

In David’s universe, I find it rude to ignore people. Not that I am perfect in this. Especially in social media, often dialogues get tired, or we get busy, or they just are not going anywhere, so it’s natural to withdraw when it’s not longer serving. Social media, by nature often makes communication superficial, or just informal.

What about when a person withdraws without a courtesy message like ― “I’m really busy” ― or “I need to take a break” ― or “let’s just wish each other happy birthday on our birthdays?” The one example I found hurtful was with a woman I connected with romantically online. We talked a lot over the phone and were even talking about meeting in person. I don’t remember the exact context, yet she just stopped communicating completely and absolutely like she had died (she continued to post on Facebook – so she is still very much alive).

So her idea of ending our online relationship was simply to cut off all communication. For me that feels heartless. I incorrectly hoped we could be friends. (Well that’s a different topic ― the possibility of having friendships between men and women!) OK – I admit it ― I tend to be naïve!

So she decided (?) that I wasn’t a potential mate for her. Or she met another man. Whatever her decision or reasoning (that’s her prerogative), I mind that she didn’t have the courtesy to respond to any of my messages subsequently, even birthday messages. That, for me, merely demonstrates poor behaviour.

What has happened to courtesy in our world ― what has happened to the possibility of commonsense, reason and discernment?

Are we so disconnected from each other that rules don’t exist and standards are countered by puritanical new age flag bearers waving “judgement detox” flags at anyone falling outside of their lofty standards?

That a lot of this behaviour happens within so-called spiritual communities and by so-called spiritual people shows that people have a lot of learning and growing to do about simple courtesies and respect, caring for other people’s feelings and human dignity before they even consider themselves “spiritual.”

How we treat other people is important. We may not be comfortable saying “I don’t feel we’re on the same page. We want different things from life,” or “I’m dating someone new and I don’t feel comfortable talking to you anymore,” yet sometimes it needs to be said to honour and respect another person’s feelings. Disregarding their feelings is not a “spiritual” way to behave.

There is this selfish (even narcissistic) streak in society – how people feel is the most important thing. Not how this affects others. It’s called “empowerment” in the new age movement. And setting healthy “boundaries” – how other people feel is deemed irrelevant.

It is the honourable way to respect how others may be feeling and at least attempt to understand how they are feeling.

For me, I care deeply about people. Is this an unspiritual weakness showing I lack the spine to be “independent” and “stand up for myself?”

Is kindness and caring for people a weakness?

Or could it be the most spiritual way to be?

I don’t know the answer for sure.

To feel whole we must first let go of the urge to maintain the image of self-importance and of the ego effigy “ME.”

It is in engaging with our “antagonists” that we confront our deepest fears, the places we have suppressed, the darkness within we ignored, the places we don’t want to go to. It is facing up to this ― where we are most powerfully healed, where we most authentically come home to our wholeness ― and the beautiful vessel that is our hearts.

So much suffering is caused by not engaging with the things we fear the most, and the inability to be completely honest (with ourselves and others) about our feelings and intentions. Emotional dependency holds us back from truly freeing ourselves from the idea or addiction to have others’ meet our emotional needs. A selfish self-concept has become normal ― as it’s seen as “empowering” to know what you want. Is that empowerment or purely a trap of the ego?

The ego puppet version of ourselves is what is causing untold suffering. The “me” I think I am wants X and Y, and until I get X and Y, I will not be happy. When we can dissolve the boundaries of this false identity we created, we will feel a whole lot more whole and our searching will end.

We think we have to have unconditional acceptance and gentle boundaries. We think we need our friends and loved ones to offer a safe space without boundary. When they offer us boundary, we are repelled and we suffer according to the starkness of the lines. We recoil from their “judgements” and create a safe distance whilst we pick at our wounds.

What is the last judgement! Perhaps deep down, some of us are still rooted in our inner child wounding, that asks for the loving parenting we never received. The criticism or shame we received as a child made us shrink, withdraw, contract, hide, escape. Love that unlovable little child.

Emotional maturity is about being whole with both our lightness and our darkness ― our weaknesses and our strengths. It’s about being able to accept boundaries in ourselves and in other people. Renae A.Sauter writes, “Through the absence of what we think we have to have we can discover our wholeness.”

Letting go of the need not to be judged, may I found myself whole.

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