You are both lying there, and he slips his hand down for a final check.
“But you’re not wet,” he says in dismay.
You’ve just cuddled, he’s kissed you all over, and he’s gone down on you. You feel turned on in every way. You just want to pull him inside you. Except his face is giving you the look, like—WTF.
You look over and see the lube to your left. “Do you want me to grab the lube,” he says, “or just stop?”
We’ve all been there, and we all know that feeling of frustration.
Genital responses do not always match our arousal experience. It’s called arousal non-concordance. This means that you can be wet and not be turned on, or dry and turned on, or wet and turned on.
The genitals are not the best indicator for measuring whether a person is feeling sexy and turned on.
This isn’t a women’s thing, it’s just a thing—for both genders. However, men and women have a different level of overlap when it comes to arousal non-concordance. For women, there is a 10 percent overlap. This means that a woman can find something arousing and attractive, and want to jump and hump that thing, but only be wet 10 percent of the time. For men, it’s 50 percent.
Right now, I’m focusing on the women and what the man needs to know.
The wet error that most men make:
If a woman is wet, it doesn’t necessarily mean she is ready for sex or turned on. Being wet doesn’t equate to being turned on. A woman can be wet because she saw something sexually relevant to her genitals. But that doesn’t always mean that it’s appealing to her mentally and emotionally, and she may not even enjoy that something. Her genitals have simply told her that this thing—dildo, porn, hot chocolate, song—is sexually relevant to her in some way.
Women don’t need to (and can’t) change their physiology. Instead, women and men both need to understand non-concordance and arousal better. ‘Cause let’s face it—neither porn nor school was the proper sex education.
So, if you can’t tell if she’s into it from her genitals, here’s how you can tell if she is turned on:
Sure, it’s not as easy as feeling her genitals, but it’s a good indicator to watch for. Her breath and pulse will increase with arousal. If she is really enjoying it, she will also begin holding her breath as arousal increases.
Tension will move throughout her body. This will make her tighten her abdomen, butt, and thighs, and arch her back up and down.
This. This right here is the most important thing to pay attention to.
Ladies—listen up, because you need to get vocal. Words tell your partner about your level of desire. Use your words and sounds to share if you’re enjoying yourself or not. Try spicing up your words. Be explicit. Be bold. Be loud: “Yesss, ohhhiiiii,” “more, ahhhhoooooo,” or ‘ahhhhhh ohhhh that’s it, that’s the spot!!”
Learn the signs. Listen to her body signals and her words. Make your lover feel like a queen or king. Play, be curious, and have fun. Sex doesn’t have to be a serious affair.
A woman can be dry, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad lover. It’s just arousal non-concordance.