We spent a summer together when I was fourteen and he was sixteen. I was sarcastic and detached and kind of a bitch to anyone I didn’t trust, which was almost everyone. Life had already taught me not to ever rely on or love anyone, because chances were very good I’d lose them… in fact it seemed like a guarantee. I was an adult from the time I was very young, even before we moved to Canada just before my ninth birthday. I left the rest of my childhood and everything familiar behind. I was still an only child and didn’t speak a word of English, but I had to learn fast and also learn to stand up for myself because I got bullied otherwise. A couple of years later I started horseback riding and got a dog and focused most of my love on that. I started working at my riding stable at the age of eleven, knowing well I would never fit into that world, not really, yet I would keep trying for a very long time. I was an honour roll student and a classic overachiever who never felt good enough.

He had suffered tremendous loss at the age of three. His Dad was killed in a car accident. Not sure his Mom ever recovered from that, she was in the passenger seat and got injured, but survived. His Mom was still just trying to survive and his Grandparents coddled him a lot to overcompensate. He acted out a lot in his teenage years. All I heard before he came to visit my Grandma’s place that summer was how he was bad news. A fire had started in his room and there were rumours that it was intentional. We had met once years earlier and he thought I was too young to play with his toys (which offended me greatly at the time), so I was not impressed that his presence was going to ruin my summer, which was already disappointing as I wasn’t riding at all.

When he arrived, he was nothing like I expected. He came off tough, but he was sensitive and despite all the pain, his eyes smiled in the most beautiful way. We were both very close to my Grandfather who died very suddenly and unexpectedly a few years earlier (right after I moved to Canada). I think that was what made me trust him so much, we shared a love for someone and missed him terribly and here we were in the summer home we had both spent time in as children (although never at the same time).

We were inseparable that summer. We went to the lake often, hung out under the huge tree with the hammock and swing my Grandfather had hung while eating fresh berries, we talked about serious things and laughed until we cried, we sat around the fire and when we thought no one was watching, snuggled up on the couch to watch shitty movies at night. It felt innocent and magical and I never wanted it to end.

I was a horse obsessed teen and he loved art. He never drew a horse before, so he used an image on a postcard I bought and gave me this sketch before we went our separate ways. I didn’t cry when he gave it to me or when we said goodbye. I was so used to permanent goodbyes at that point and I never cried anyways and certainly not in front of anyone. I always had to be strong and of course I was strong that day too. I mean, we were just friends really and it’s not as though he was dead, just on the other side of the world in a time before Facebook. We just shared a few weeks and one kiss. For a very long time I didn’t think anything would live up to it though. He may have just kissed me on the lips, but it was as though he kissed my soul.

I returned home and I wished we never met. That loss made me feel more alone than ever. I framed the picture, but tucked it away in a corner, so I wouldn’t see it much. I never really paused to look at it.

I should have learned to seek that feeling out more, but instead I spent a lifetime trying to avoid it because I was sure I knew the outcome. If I ever let someone in like that again, I assumed I would lose them too. It was actually pretty easy. No one really tried to see and hear me fully anyways and eventually I gave up hoping it would happen.

The image and the memory faded over the years, but a while ago it became important to me to make sure it didn’t disappear completely. A talented friend touched it up for me beautifully and I picked it up yesterday. I was glad it took a while for her to get it done, because I’m not sure I would have appreciated it the same way sooner. I’ve changed a lot in the last year. I was kind of speechless when I saw it. I cried all the way home. I finally allowed myself to feel grief all these years later. I don’t wish it never happened anymore. I am grateful for how special that summer was and realize just how lucky I have been in this lifetime to meet more than one person who has made me believe in magic.