At some point, we all enter into a state of reflection—when we re-evaluate our life.
We seek understanding of how we got here and the guidance to move forward in the best possible way.
Usually, we enter this space when our expectation of what our life’s journey should look like is shattered by the disappointment of our reality.
It’s far easier and more comfortable for us to blame everything (or person) outside of ourselves for our dissatisfaction when reality doesn’t fit into the picturesque snapshot we’ve created in our mind.
This is not to say our blame should be redirected toward ourselves, but that we should take a deeper look at our inner being, with honesty and, most importantly, without judgement. Only we and our divine Creator know the truths flowing within, so we would be fooling ourselves by choosing not to acknowledge and face the truths of our being.
Our external world is merely a reflection of our internal world; it mirrors our state of consciousness back at us. If we seek the truth, we must be willing to see the truth with honest eyes. This is devastating to our ego, as feelings of shame arise when we begin to shed light on them. From my direct experience, this has been the most uncomfortable feeling to sit with, accept, and heal.
So the universe (God, Spirit, Source, or whatever label you choose to give your higher power) didn’t give me my picture-perfect lifestyle…or did it?
I’ve always had good intentions. I would constantly ask myself, “How would this action affect another person?” I tried my best to bring “good vibes” to every experience I was participating in, with the intention of balancing out the “bad vibes.”
After years of acting in this manner, I began to question, “Why am I not receiving back all of the wonderful energy I put out into this world?” No matter how hard I tried to be the best version of myself, I just didn’t seem to receive the best versions of scenarios or people back.
I had given away all of my resources, energy, material goods, and money thinking it would all help better another person’s experience and make them happy—and then I had nothing left but my self-pity and painful perceptions of people, who I believed had not reciprocated.
After days of asking myself what I was missing, I finally realized my answer: “It’s me! It’s always been me. I chose all of this.”
There I was, blaming my partner for our financial lack—but the truth was that I chose to support him and invest my inheritance in his business, which hadn’t flourished the way we expected. Blaming the person who introduced us for our failed relationship—but the truth was that I chose to pursue him and then tried to change him to fit my picture of my perfect partner. Blaming my employer for putting me in a position of struggle and humiliation—but the truth was that, at first meeting, my gut told me not to accept this position and I still chose to go with it, thinking I needed it to survive.
In observing my past with honesty, I could see my contribution to my story and how I was really trying to fulfill my ego’s desires—some refer to this as our shadow self or dark side.
I can see how I attracted these situations because the person I once was, my inner child, hadn’t received her picture perfect (picture-perfect) life from her parents. She’d craved the pretty material objects, the adventurous family outings that all her friends got to experience, and a close and connected family bond.
Because those expectations hadn’t been fulfilled for my inner child, in adulthood, I thought that this is how we prove our love: giving away whatever helped to spark joy for someone else—and with the expectation it would be given back. And to add to that, I was just as intently focused on what I didn’t want. I feared experiencing the same toxic family dynamic I grew up in, and I believe the universe responded by mirroring exactly that back at me.
Finally, though, I understood that we are responsible for the outcome of our choices, and I say this with absolutely no regret for my past choices, as they’ve all had their purpose in my evolution.
Now I choose to truly and unapologetically love myself.
I’m preserving my resources and listening to my divine truth (intuition), whether it be kindly declining that job position that I know is not going to work for me, or refusing to give my full attention to people who still won’t change their own toxic behaviours. I’m quitting the toxic substances and foods that I know make me feel low; I’m quitting the suppression of my own truths to make others feel comfortable.
I observe that when I choose what ultimately makes me happy—without harming others—more of that happiness shows up in my external world. I wouldn’t have uncovered and realised these truths within had I not explored the depths of my inner world, where my patterns began and where I now choose to end them.
It all starts and ends with us—our thoughts, our reactions, and most importantly, the relationship we have with ourselves.