Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of meeting my Prince Charming and having babies. As a typical child growing up in the late 60s, the patriarchal hand-me-downs were alive and well.  I lived a typical childhood, yet as an adult, I suffered great depression and anxiety as I attempted to be the perfect wife and mother of my dreams and expectations.

I had loving and supportive family and friends, but in my wounded state, I used them to deepen my wounds, without realizing it. People pleasing was natural for me and that led to control freak behavior. How exhausting it was, seeking the approval of everyone and at the same time keeping my whole family looking like the prize I didn’t deserve.

One day, I realized I was a complete mess—what happened to my dream?

Anna Ruth Hall explained so eloquently in her article “The Wounds our Mother’s Give Us,” how this shows up in our lives. She writes, “This pattern of secrecy and self-suppression because of a desperate desire to be loved has been acute not only in my relationship with my mom, but also in my friendships and romantic relationships from childhood onward.” As I read her article, I filled with emotion and tears, reliving the memories she described. It almost feels like gratitude—for without that struggle, I wouldn’t be me, but at the same time, it really sucked! Is there an alternative?

Then I read Kiki Coll’s article, Perfecting Motherhood, where she suggests how easily we pass it on to our own daughters.  She writes, “Regardless of their relationship, good or bad, our mother is the most determining factor we use to weigh our self against. Our identity is so often directly tied to our mother’s identity.” As I look around at my relationship with my own Mother and Daughter, it’s undeniable! I set out to be the perfect mom. The irony of it all.  What can I do about it now?   I kept asking.

I wasn’t afraid to ask for help.  Everyone knew I struggled.  I asked for help constantly, and I confess, I read hundreds of parenting books, attended counseling, bible studies,  parenting webinars and workshops.  I was a self-help junkie, trying in desperation to fix myself.  Every book and resource I tried was full of wisdom and sound solutions.  They all made sense, but I was unable to act upon any of it for long.  I would feel like I found the solution, only to be let down by my inability to hold it together for long.  I went back to my old patterns, like a pig to its trough.  With each failure, I became  more and more convinced I was not fixable.

My search for the holy grail, the magic potion, the secret cure to my misery, always led to dead ends.  What didn’t elude me was my deep desire to keep looking!  I knew it was out there somewhere!  It had to be!  Beneath my brokenness, I felt a spark of something amazing that always kept me going!  I was over committed, underappreciated, sexually inactive and filled with sadness and resentment, and I knew there had to be a better way to live. There was and is!

About 7 years ago, I hit a wall.  I had no where left to hide.  My life felt like it was going to come crumbling down on me. I finally surrendered and gave up trying to do it my way.  I let go of needing to be right and looking good.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but I just let go of the control.  That is when the miracle happened.  Something in me shifted and suddenly I felt held no matter what the circumstances.  I felt lighter, the burden lifted.  I allowed myself to feel joy among the chaos of my life.  I had a new perspective about everything.  Had I known letting go would have made such a difference, I surely would have let go sooner.  It’s a paradox.  it’s a lifelong journey meant to be treasured and filled with gratitude. The letting go never stops, it just grows deeper.  Looking back now, I see that I had made many small realizations, let go of things little by little.  That’s sometimes how it goes. We might have a big shift, followed by lots of little ones.  It’s different for everyone I suppose.  I finally embraced it and accepted thins as they were.  Peace washed over me, replacing the suffering.  I learned how to face the fear, so it dissolves.  A daily practice.

This peace is miraculous and your birthright. It’s already there and has always been there.  It’s your true nature, your unconditional love realized through forgiveness of yourself.  Forgiveness of your mom perhaps, and/or the wounds from here to eternity.  The deep self within you is not wounded, is not fearful, it is powerful beyond your understanding. This is the self you must meet and commune with. She can show you a new way to see.  Nothing outside of you holds the key…but may guide you towards it.

Follow your inner voice to the depths of your darkness. Don’t let fear trap you. Allow the light, that shines in the stillness, to expand within you. The Divine Mother, who has been waiting for you to awaken will bring you the peace you require to be the mother, wife, daughter, friend, human, you’ve always wanted to be!  Let yourself go there with great determination!  Trust me!   There is no other purpose worth striving for!

One day I will write a book about my journey, but for now this article is my offering.  I offer more than hope,  but a promise.  Be determined to let go of what you think you know, of fear, pain and control. None of it really exists but in your mind, and your mind will shift in the surrender.

A paradox  worth the effort to comprehend.